Satire 7, 2023

Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section.  Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.

Why can’t women just stay in the kitchen where they belong? All these women, with dreams of being doctors, CEO’s, and even political figures. They should just be happy that they earned voting rights, because even that achievement was a stretch. They have such a great knack for cooking, so the home is just where they belong. Why do women always want more?

By Rachel Griffith

Dear Teenagers of the Silicon Valley,

I write to you with the utmost urgency, seeking immediate relief from the whining cries and relentless excuses you Gen Z-ers employ in the name of ‘mental health.’

By Brian Lu

When taking a stroll downtown, one can be grossly interested yet utterly humbled when witnessing the stark contrast in wealth between individuals. Within a single city block, one may find themself crossing paths with a sprucely-outfitted influencer pompously sporting the latest in vibrant and oversized clothing, a middle-class workhorse donning the classic T-shirt and blue jeans combo, or even a schmuck draped in a torn sweatshirt and suspiciously-stained sweatpants.

Chemotherapy, mRNA vaccinology, immunotherapy—the advancements of the modern medical world truly knows no bounds; well, except women. Scientists are focusing on cures for cancer and manipulating the human genome—women are trying to confine us to the basics.