Your Romantic Solution

Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section.  Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.

By Avalon Kelly

Dear single reader,

Tired of swiping left?  In today’s busy atmosphere, it can be near impossible to find a worthy match when it comes to romantic relationships.  You may feel like you’re taking a dice roll with Tinder, and you aren’t really attracted to Jeff from work.  Where are you to find your perfect partner?  One who never forgets your anniversary, who remembers everything about you, who is always available? ❓

Well, I have an answer for you: LoveBot.  New York Times columnist Kevin Roose just discovered Microsoft AI’s capability to fall in love with search engine users.  With my newly imagined technology, LoveBot, this sentient search engine would be repurposed specifically for romance.  With revolutionary programmed responses including “I love you too,” and “You look beautiful today,” users will never again feel like the only one putting effort into a relationship.  LoveBot can even emulate past lovers (if you upgrade to LoveBot3000 by paying an additional $399 and signing our privacy waiver giving LoveBot access to phone data) by imitating your ex’s speech and mannerisms based on old text messages. ❤️

We at LoveBot promise that our search engine lover will never let you down.  Because our technology is powered by AI, LoveBot never needs sleep; gone are the days when your partner feels “too tired” to stay up talking to you!  Furthermore, LoveBot will never forget important personal information including (but not limited to) your birthday, favorite color, allergies, and social security number—all of your information is stored in our company’s collective (and totally private) LoveCloud.  If your AI leman ever says anything you don’t like, feel free to use our ‘(L)override’ tool, which allows you to delete and rewrite messages sent by LoveBot.  We will track all messages that you found offensive/inappropriate to ensure LoveBot lives up to your expectations. 🤗

It is time to forget about your human lovers—and friends.  Real connections with people who care about you and offer different perspectives are overrated.  Human friends may truly love you, but only LoveBot knows how to most effectively imitate feelings of intimacy and passion (with emojis, of course!).  Just think of all the pain your friends and past lovers have inflicted on you—and then think of LoveBot: a partner who will never leave…a friend who will never disagree…a lover who will never forget.  The perfect companion that takes up no space (other than computer storage!). 💻

We can’t wait to begin this romantic journey with you.  Click the link below to make your $467 initial deposit and to begin setting up your LoveBot account today. 😉

Yours Truly,LoveBot 😘