Can Teachers Score Headers?

Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section.  Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.

By Evan Griffith

During my time in high school, I have faced, pondered, and tackled numerous problems that have come my way.  Entering adulthood, I have finally been able to forge my own opinions on topics that truly concern me; nonetheless, there exists one such bothersome topic I have failed in deciphering, a problem that I have lost sleep over, a problem that infuriates me beyond contemplation, a problem so unfair I have been forced to question morality itself.  Simply, why are teachers paid so much?

Upon basic inspection, the notion of paying teachers for the “work” that they do is merely absurd.  Astoundingly, the average teacher is paid a whopping $62,581 per year!  Based on this extravagant salary, it would only make sense that a teacher truly benefits society, for why else would they be earning such a large sum of money each year?  Unfortunately, overwhelmingly, this is not the case.  Unlike other meritful occupations, teachers pride themselves on “preparing the future generation.”  While professional soccer players score goals with their heads, teachers make little to no attempt earning their wages.  Instead, they fill their time with making connections with students, teaching them life lessons and forcing students to hit the books.  

Alongside this, teachers do not need nor deserve the extra benefits that come with their elite title.  The one that infuriates me most: designated parking spots.  While people such as myself, righteous students, must battle for a parking spot every single day of my high school career, teachers may nonchalantly slide into the luxurious staff parking lot, even closer to the school itself!  

What angers me the most however, of this baffling situation is the audacity of today’s teachers to argue for more money!  Teachers, please.  If you want a “livable salary”, try scoring a 3 pointer from the half court line like Steph Curry (he deserves his livable salary).  Across the nation, teachers are demanding higher salaries in strings of obnoxious protests.  Inconceivable!

I do believe that the root of the problem is that teachers do not understand how simple their job truly is.  Teachers argue that being a teacher extends further than the textbooks; while teaching students information is key to upbring and entering adulthood, the ability to get information to stick inside the malleable brains of the youth is a more difficult task, one that requires dedication, sacrifice, and practice.  Teaching not only prepares students for college but also for future careers and relationships, as good teachers may foster an enriching, collaborative environment that teaches inclusivity, acceptance, and tolerance.  Thus, successful teachers require individuals that are passionate, hardworking, and ultimately those who care about the future of the nation, as the youngest generation will soon inherit its responsibilities.  Baloney.

After much thought, I have reached not a solution, but the only logical solution in this bizarre case: teachers salaries must be cut in half.  Still generous, a single individual would almost be able to think about possibly living on a salary of $32,000.  Until teachers prove otherwise, and do something truly beneficial to society(like kicking a 66 yard field goal like Justin Tucker), their salaries must certainly not be raised.