Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
By Kaitlyn Bender
Ping! “88 percent of men and 18 percent of women have broken up with someone over text,” according to a survey conducted by Whatsyourprice.com. Many people cry on their beds alone after their text breakup, wondering why their other half did not have the decency to dismantle their love in person, since this art is seen as cold by society. Gen Z takes it to the next level by even posting breakup messages or pulling pranks through social media, placing their relationship end on a pedestal for the world to see.
I propose a fair solution to our outrageous problem: isolate everyone so the only way to break up is by text! This would normalize text breakups, and no one would feel like they do not matter because of the method of splitting. Ever since 1992, there has been an increase in text breakups, so we should go with what society wants. War, marriage, school, and sports—these would all occur online, simplifying every problem (unless someone has an internet issue), so why not include dating as well? Some couples might not even know what each other looks like, so mobile separation would make sense. People would be able to say all that comes to mind and be brutally honest with each other in every situation and event that comes to mind. As a utopian society, we would send memes to declare our love, TikToks for job interviews, and use slang terms like “lol” or “slay” for a funeral. “Insta-stalking” would become the easiest and best way to get to know your future boo, and once your partner becomes less alluring, you can drop them quickly and move on to whoever next catches your eye; we need to take care of ourselves.
Isolation occurred during the pandemic, and there were no terrible side effects then, so we have no reason not to isolate ourselves from others. Sure, people could just be decent enough to talk to their significant other in person; sure, people could take time out of their day to be kind to a person who will be hurting post-breakup; sure, people could care about someone other than themselves, but that feels taxing and takes too much effort. If we isolate ourselves, we won’t have to deal with the feelings and thoughts of others, making life easier; we need to take care of ourselves.
Overall, people should quit society and stay in their lonely houses, only communicating through text to deal with text breakups. I hope that many put this idea into practice, employing thousands of uber eats and delivery drivers, to save themselves from completely unpreventable pain; we need to take care of ourselves.