Women, Stay in the Kitchen!

Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section.  Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.

By Larena Tannert

Why can’t women just stay in the kitchen where they belong? All these women, with dreams of being doctors, CEO’s, and even political figures. They should just be happy that they earned voting rights, because even that achievement was a stretch. They have such a great knack for cooking, so the home is just where they belong. Why do women always want more?

Imagine if our Vice President Kamala Harris had never gone and fought against all of the gender barriers to inspire millions of young girls to pursue their dreams. Our country would be in much safer hands if she stayed at home and focused her time into cooking meals for her husband and stepkids. Similarly, Hilary Clinton’s dramatic run for presidency was just embarrassing. She went through all that effort just to lose to a fat orange man, when she could have been actually making a good use of her time and cleaning up after her qualified and inspirational husband Bill Clinton. Women should look back on the failures of the many others who came before, learn from their mistakes, and make sure to never pursue their goals. Most importantly, they should recall that failure teaches success.

Women are like flowers, soft and delicate. Women are like slime, easy to mold and shape into whatever the man pleases. Women are like Cher Horowitz, absolutely clueless. Women are like crying babies, they need to shut up. Women are like rabbits, they need to hop their way back into the kitchen. Women are like Donald Trump, not meant to have any influence. Women are like so many things, but able to run a country or manage a company, absolutely not.

Why should women be CEOs or lawyers? Those jobs should be left to the extremely competent men, such as space explorer/ twitter boss Elon Musk, or yacht obsessed/ not paying taxes Jeff Bezos. These men can handle the difficulty of sitting back and watching people do their work for them way better than any woman could. Women are meant to be admired by the male gaze, not out running companies and raking in the big bucks. Why waste their beauty trying to change the world when they can sit still and look pretty until fulfilling their purpose of becoming wives and mothers? 

By staying in the home women are allowing more qualified men to make all of the important decisions for the people of America. They shouldn’t think of it as a loss, but rather as a practical compromise that benefits everyone. Women can relax and focus on their sphere of influence within the home, while the men go out and do all of the hard work for them. All women must remember, play smarter not harder!