Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
We’ve all heard the saying “slow down and enjoy life.” And while slowing down applies to many parts of life—our jobs, our relationships, and our activities—really, what we should be focusing on slowing down is driving. Picture this: you wake up on a sunny Monday morning, excited to get to work. You’re so excited, in fact, that you zoom while making your breakfast, speed while taking a shower, and dash while running out the front door. Because of your haste, your estimated arrival time for work reads 8:15, a whopping 15 minutes early.
Now, you could arrive at work early. Ugh. Then you’d have to spend that 15 minutes socializing with others (or hiding out in your car), whichever sounds more appealing. Luckily, the minute you leave your house, you encounter an angel on Earth: Bob. Over the years, Bob has earned quite the reputation for continuously helping everyone out.
Last year, he saved your neighbor, Eliana, from a snowstorm. Before her meticulously planned ski trip to Nevada, Eliana forgot to set her alarm, causing her to wake up 30 minutes before her flight. Nevertheless, with inhumane haste, Eliana managed to leave her house right on time. However, after a mere two minutes of driving, she encountered Bob’s infamous cherry colored sedan. After watching Bob make complete stops (and wait around 10 seconds before going) at every single stop sign, Eliana glanced at her watch. Then, she glanced at it again. And again. After doing another double take, she realized she was never going to make it on time.
Because of Bob’s astounding ability to drive 10 miles under the speed limit, she missed her flight. It was almost as if Bob knew Eliana needed saving. Seriously, no Californian is cut out for the snow. His kind actions allowed her to avoid the plentiful snow in Nevada. Truly, God had answered Eliana’s prayers.
Now, seeing Bob’s bright sedan in front of your car, you can’t help but smile. With each long stop, you observe his terrific talent of slowing down the flow of traffic. As he brilliantly avoids another right turn at a red light, you watch your estimated time of arrival slowly grow. What once read 8:15 now reads 8:30. Internally, you thank Bob for his kind actions. Even though he was running late, he still stayed behind to make sure you would make it to work right on time. Seriously, the guy really is an angel on Earth!
As you walk into work at exactly 8:32 (finding parking was a struggle), you wave to all of your coworkers. With bright smiles, they admire your ability to always arrive right on time (ignoring parking).
Truly, everyone should be as compassionate as Bob. Slow drivers keep everyone from spending those awkward few minutes before work socializing with others. If everyone were to drive the speed limit, we would live in a world of chaos filled with accurate arrival times. How would anyone avoid getting to work early? So remember, life really is a highway, slow down and enjoy it—especially while driving.