Maybe in the Next Era

Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section.  Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.

By Taylor Casillas

Who doesn’t love Taylor Swift? I mean, her countless hit songs surely provide comfort to those dealing with struggles in their everyday lives. Just went through a breakup? Listen to Taylor Swift. Feeling vengeful? Listen to Taylor Swift. Need a mood boost? Listen to Taylor Swift. On all occasions, Taylor Swift can serenade anyone into feeling understood. And what’s better than seeing her live on her upcoming tour? 

The select few who were able to obtain tickets to her 2023 tour (Taylor Swift: The Eras Tour) are undoubtedly the luckiest people in the world. After being carefully selected by Ticketmaster for the exclusive presale, 1.5 million lucky individuals got tickets, selling out the tour before the general sale. Wow! These Fearless individuals spent hours upon hours waiting in line for tickets. Sitting in front of their computers, fans patiently waited in their Taylor Swift Cardigans to purchase tickets. Unfortunately, not all selected for the presale were able to buy tickets, leaving their Wildest Dreams shattered. And guess what they did after this heartbreak? Listen to Taylor Swift. But who cares about them, right? They surely weren’t as big of fans as bots who bought out half the tour. I mean, who better a fan of Taylor Swift than online bots? With their great service and super fair prices, Ticketmaster graciously allowed hundreds of bots to buy tickets. How sweet of them! However, human fans shouldn’t fret, because these bots are actually reselling their tickets! For only $7,000, fans can rebuy tickets that were originally $500. What a deal! In order to pay this price, true fans should seriously consider dropping everything in their life, and work 24 hours a day to save up money for tickets.  

It’s simple really. Any real Lover of Taylor Swift would go to any extent to see her in real life. Who knows, maybe they’ll be The Lucky One who will save enough money to buy tickets. Although the majority of her fans are teenagers who are dependent on their parents, these prices still shouldn’t be an issue. Swifties in school should just drop out, get a job, and put all their energy into working. They should also have their parents work extra hours, and put every single penny toward tickets. The loyalest fans will work until their eyes are bloodshot Red from lack of sleep. The loyalest fans will work until their body aches and they can no longer tolerate it. The loyalest fans will work Forever & Always, not stopping until they acquire the money they need. After all, $7,000 isn’t really that much, especially to see the Enchanted Taylor Swift in the flesh.