Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Chemotherapy, mRNA vaccinology, immunotherapy—the advancements of the modern medical world truly knows no bounds; well, except women. Scientists are focusing on cures for cancer and manipulating the human genome—women are trying to confine us to the basics. Whether it’s whining about the lack of medical equity or the equality of research, focusing on womens’ petty complaints dilapidates the foundation of progress. Online, there are entire movements acknowledging an alleged ‘rift’ in treatments between men and women in the realm of medicine. Blogs sharing overly dramatized anecdotes of misdiagnosis or mistaking appendicitis for a stomach ache only indicate the underlying problem—female exaggeration. I mean, what does it matter, the difference in diagnosis timelines between men and women? It could be an average of 10 minutes or 3 years and the outcomes are identical: criticism and hysteria.
Women claim the scientific community discounts female anatomy—lacks an understanding equivalent to male physiology. If such exaggerated sentiments were the case, why does medicine develop cures for exclusively female ailments, such as ovarian cancer? Professionals even harnessed the liberty of testing the chemotherapy treatments for ovarian cancer on male recipients to ensure the research wasn’t tainted by troublesome interactions with female hormones. Facing the unknown, in the form of sparsely researched hormones, really, female physiology altogether, places researchers at risk of discovering symptoms deviating from what would be typically found in males…put simply, it is best to leave some doors closed—indefinitely. Women only represent 49.58% of the population, sacrifices prove inevitable when it comes to advancing humanity as a whole.
Yes, five percent of women compared to three percent of men face misdiagnosis. Yet, a mere 72,225,954 person difference lacks the magnitude for unreasonable upheaval, for instance, altering textbooks for future generations of physicians, or proportional inclusion of women in national and global medical trials. Medicine has to draw the line for unnecessary expenditures somewhere, gender lines are indubitably the strongest place to start.
However, the grievances don’t end there. Our limited knowledge determined women are at a higher risk for illnesses within the immune system, heart disease, and who knows what else. Not only does this account for the higher death rates, but women’s tendency to report differing symptoms in times of cardiac arrest is a distracting cry for attention. Instead of performing confusing theatrics, women should quietly and calmly report the expected symptoms. Haven’t you heard of the woman who cried heart attack? Yeah, it only took one false alarm for medicine to decide it is best to send them all home with Tylenol, what happens next happens. Even when we devote the effort to treat women through coronary artery bypass graft, most of them ignore our time and die. Not only heightening the reported death rates in hospitals, their selfishness also reflects poorly on us doctors.
Women should start advocating for themselves by ending their uneducated protests, and instead, be introspective. Mental health medications are only more prevalently distributed to women because of their obsession with their health. The stress which comes with hypochondriasis is dangerous. Women need to take better care of themselves, understand what their own symptoms mean, and first and foremost: stop getting sick.
To move forward, we must leave women behind. All the ignored deaths and discord will undoubtedly be compensated in future medical advancements, which will benefit billions of men—and many women.