Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
By Raven Carthon
Dear Barack Obama,
I feel as though you are the perfect person to address this letter to, as you obviously represent the thoughts and ideals of the black community as a whole, I also do not know any other important black person. As a privileged white boy named Chad, one of my greatest problems that I encounter is the n-word. While I am not being called this word, I struggle with censoring myself at parties when the word appears in my favorite Kendrick song. People often tell me that I could just ignore the word and not say anything, but I feel that disrupts the flow of Kendrick’s educational lyricism. He clearly put the word in the song for a reason, so who am I to insult his beautiful artistry? I have heard the argument that it is a horrible word with years of racism tied to it, but honestly, is it that serious? Racism hardly even exists anymore, just think of all the privileges black people have now. It seems as though black people have become oversensitive even though many things have been done to reduce their suffering. After offering so many solutions to the problems they face, it only seems fair that white people should be able to adorn their vocabulary with the n-word. The struggle of excluding it from my vocabulary is very similar to the struggles of slavery, in that I feel that I have no free will and that my rights are being stripped from me. As an American, it is within my rights to shout the n-word from the rooftops if I pleased. Now Obama, I am sure that in reading this letter you might regard me as a racist but that could not be farther from the truth. I have many black friends who love and appreciate me, and one time I even bought from a black owned brand. My support for the black community is unconditional, except for when they call me out on my white privilege which I am sure you can agree does not exist. All of this being said, President Obama I ask that you award me a government affiliated n-word pass that I can show off at parties before I scream my favorite rap songs. With the pass, I will be able to feel truly free which is what the slaves of America would have wanted. I do not wish to obtain this pass in the sake of racism, but rather for the sake of my enjoyment. I will need this pass within the next few weeks, as the Delta Upsilon Mu (DUM) party is approaching and I am curating the playlist. Please get back to me as soon as possible, and thank you for your time and consideration.
Chad Van DerWoodsen