Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section.  Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.

By Shiloh Martinez

Mankind has always been faced with the curious problem of removing discomfort. Youths of today’s world find themselves in constant situations in which they feel awkward, uncomfortable, lonely, or even sad. In a generation plagued with rising mental health problems, depression, and even teen suicides, it’s time we found a way to rid the youths of America from these discomforts. Luckily, a solution has already come to entirely eradicate this problem from the world. In the back pockets of all teenagers, constantly being confiscated by rather annoying teachers, the cell phone has allowed us to move beyond our previously unresolvable issue. We now have the ability to move beyond discomfort and displeasure completely. 

Take the horrendous example of waiting outside of school for your ride to arrive. You sit there, alone, with nothing to do but wait. There are other people around you, waiting for their rides. Everyone must be watching you. Everyone must be wondering why you’re by yourself. Why would you be alone? You must have no friends, nothing better to do, no life. Thanks to the wonder of the cell phone, you are not just some lonely weirdo waiting for your ride, you are a very busy and valued person. You’re likely sending an important email, or texting all the countless friends you have. As we all know, someone sitting on their phone must be doing something important, and the gratifying feeling of value that comes from this simple act cannot be understated. The cell phone saves and protects young teens everywhere from the slight discomfort of sitting by yourself. If everyone else believes you have friends, why shouldn’t you? Even if that isn’t enough, the cell phone can still help in a variety of situations. 

Sometimes we feel like everyone else has better things to do with their time, that they’re having more fun in life and they’re happy. The simple solution in this case can be found through the cell phone as well in the form of social media. In particular, these platforms can be an absolutely fantastic way to let the world know that everything is okay. That your time is important and valuable. That you are happy. Posting videos to TikTok or photos to instagram of yourself smiling and enjoying life are monumental ways to let the world know that you do in fact matter, and all of the likes and comments that are to follow will help confirm that in your own mind. Every notification you receive following your most recent posts lets you know that people care about what you are doing. If you were lonely, you wouldn’t have 533 followers on Instagram. If you were sad, you wouldn’t have 127 likes on your new post. If you were ugly, you wouldn’t have so many people commenting about how good you look. And on the rare occasion discomforting and pesky feelings decide to boil to the surface, you again have a surefire way to shove them back down where they belong, and be happy again.

 Rather than paying hundreds and thousands of dollars to some stranger therapist that will definitely just judge you for your problems, streaming platforms like Netflix, Disney+, and Peacock are a more effective way to make all of those feelings simply disappear. You don’t have to be stressed about an upcoming project, because Kevin just dropped a pot of chili in The Office. You don’t have to deal with losing someone important in your life, Eleven just dumped Mike in Stranger Things. You don’t have to think about the fact that nothing you do matters and nobody cares anyways, The Mandalorian just saved Baby Yoda from the Empire. 

Ultimately, we live in a sophisticated age, where such discomforts that our ancestors previously faced are a thing of the past. Cellphones, social media, and streaming platforms have allowed us to simply transcend above feelings altogether. Why deal with such discomforting parts of life like feelings and emotions, when the savior in your pocket can make it all go away.