Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” was one of your favorite questions to ask me when I was a little kid. I remember, you would grow frustrated when I wouldn’t give you the same response two times in a row. “I want to be a spy!” always resulted in a heavy sigh. Silly little me, not knowing what I wanted to be 20 years down the line. I threw away so much of my childhood following my “interests.” Thankfully, I was steered down the beaten path by all of my elders; I found a boring—but necessary—safety in this decision! To sacrifice my own dreams, ambitions, interests, and passions was well worth it! Still, I shudder to think about those poor little kids who languish in the land of dreams, interests, and passions. My partners and I here at the laboratory have been hard at work on this issue, and I believe we have found the solution: genetically engineered career babies!
With this invention, we will steer society in the correct direction. Gone are the days of children spending time formulating their own interests. Instead, with a genetically engineered career baby, kids are born with inherent interests. Equipped with a passion at birth, we reduce the amount of time, money, and resources wasted by society helping children “find their interests.” Therefore, our society will prosper! We can dedicate resources to ensure the longevity and health of our elders, many of whom unknowingly squandered their lives pursuing their passions. Furthermore, lab babies will lift up our economy. Since our GENIE-BABIES™ are born with a career, according to the 10,000 hour/10-year rule (it takes 10,000 hours/10 years for anyone to become really good at something), our babies will be competent workplace professionals by the age of ten! Thus, we can decrease age-restricting labor regulations to 10, increase the volume of our workforce, and propel our economy forwards!
The process of creating GENIE-BABIES™ is quite simple. We have our customers (the parents) come into our clinic and select interests on our PAMPER-PAD™. For example, if they desired a marine biologist, they would select “Science” and “Plants and Animals.” We take care of the rest; in nine months’ time, the couple has a future professional sitting in their laps! Imagine the stress we have just saved the poor baby, its parents, and society as a whole!
Papa, it would bring me great joy if you visited our facility. I know it’s probably a little too late for you and Mama to join this infant revolution; but I would love to show you all of my hard work! We haven’t talked in far too long—ever since I moved away from college—and I want you to see that I have been hard at work on the very issue that drove us apart. I look forward to hearing your response.