Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Scrolling through the wonderfully immersive TikTok, I can’t help but notice the poor influencers who never have enough to live off of. The new products every week, from Stanley cups to new Pacsun tops, we all have to keep up with the never-ending list of products that will finally make us beautiful and happy. Without these products, how can we live? Why would I use a regular reusable water bottle when I could have a gigantic purple cup with a straw? We can never have enough!
Some have raised concerns about the environment with the amount of consumption in today’s society, but what is there to do? Of course, we can’t force influencers to stop buying products–that’s simply absurd! We live to serve them, liking and commenting on their videos, and buying products from their Amazon storefronts to give them a commission. And every product proves necessary to own. Why else would they promise extreme lifestyle changes with every new and shiny makeup product? They would never lie to us, all influencers only want to help us, of course. That Rare Beauty blush will fix your entire life, and the Lululemon align top will finally make you happy!
I suggest using a hierarchy, with influencers on top and low-life nobodies on the bottom. However, no changes prove necessary, as we already use that hierarchy. To climb the ladder, we need to gain more by killing those at the bottom for their products. Surely, they already possess at least one trending item to be salvaged. Dig through their bathroom for the latest The Ordinary face serums, scourge their closet for high-top Air Forces, and search their kitchen cabinet for the new vitamins promised to lessen stress. While I may face criticism, one must understand that it’s only necessary. Constant sold-out products going in and out of style within days force us to resort to these measures.
Even those that “care” about the environment can’t help themselves but to buy new products every week. Influencers who make hikes aesthetic and film themselves recycling their latest Starbucks cup continue to post “GRWM” videos using all the latest trending makeup tools. I can’t help but think: What’s the point? Why should we even work to recycle at all? Minute actions that “help” that environment are pointless. Caring about the earth proves unnecessary. The Earth is temporary, and happiness from Stanley Cups is forever. Let the Earth die, all we need are high-top Converse!