Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
By Edward Ward
Looking at the current state of America, it is hard to shake the feeling that the current system is not quite fair for everyone. While some individuals are amassing more money than they could possibly ever need, many people are suffering due to low wages, lack of job benefits, and tax cuts being spent on the rich. As the working and middle class become poorer and less stable, one has to wonder if the billionaires deserve the amount they have considering the amount of people suffering right now. Yes, they do. Of course billionaires deserve all their wealth, that’s a stupid question.
Of course poor people are complaining about people wealthier than them; they’re poor! Only a moron would look at the current situation of tens of millions of Americans in poverty and blame the people hoarding the wealth. Current billionaires are only trying to help with America’s issues, that’s why they buy social media platforms, go into space for fun, and force their minimum wage employees to pee into bottles instead of going to the bathroom. They are only looking out for society, but some people still insist on criticizing them, which is simply not fair.
Billionaires are actively working to improve society, such as Jeff Bezos creating jobs for thousands of hard-working Americans. And I don’t want to hear about the toxic and cruel working environments, if you don’t like it, don’t work there. It’s really that simple. If Amazon workers peeing in bottles instead of going to the bathroom is what it takes for same day delivery on my stuff, so be it. Some people really dislike Bezos, and I never understood why. He only contributes to the wellbeing of society, and in exchange he just takes everything he possibly can from struggling Americans, which is very fair.
Many people also point to Elon Musk as an example of billionaires being corrupt and oppressive. However Musk has already done so much good for society, such as buying Tesla. This helps poor people because when they see wealthy people driving their Tesla cars, they get reminded of what they cannot buy. Elon Musk also bought Twitter, which is an incredible social media platform that provides honest and intellectual discussion about the world. Musk’s purchase of Twitter is definitely not just an attempt to limit individuals’ freedom of speech when he disagrees with others. Elon Musk also helped the world by flying his dick-shaped rocket into space, which was very entertaining.
Some morons look at the hard work that Bezos and Musk put into their lives, such as being born rich, and want to strip all that away from them. They propose a “wealth tax” which is completely absurd. Why should people with more money pay more in taxes? That should be the useless peasant’s responsibility. If we try to take away some of the money from the people who cannot possibly spend it all, they might not be able to spend it on things that really matter, like rocket ships and Twitter. Billionaires like Bezos and Musk are beacons of hope for so many people. They prove that anyone can become rich, just as long as they are born rich.