By Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska
#13) Groovy Movies: Double Trouble [SPEICAL EDITION]
CAROUSHELL:★★★★★★★☆☆☆ — 6.9/10
KUNG POW! ENTER THE FIST: ★★★★★★★☆☆☆— 7.3/10
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode is our very last Groovy Movies, as both of us will be graduating after this issue. Thus, for the last episode, we wanted to end it with a bang, and decided to attempt a Groovy Movie marathon with some of our fellow The Shield peers: Laura Lipscei, Gio Arteaga, and Kathryn Tanaka. Bonus: we were celebrating the 18th birthday of one of us journalists at the same time
#12) You Don’t Say! 🤫🙊🗃️
★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ — 2/10
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, after accidentally originally landing on a film we very much could not review, we popped some corn, downed a bag of TJ’s Scandinavian Swimmers, and prayed this movie—starring a timid corporate worker armed with a truth-telling necklace—would be better.
#11) Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars🦸♂️🧘♂️⚱️
★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ — 3/10
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, we grabbed various sweet gummy snacks and after some deliberation, landed on Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars.
#10) Crackcoon🦝💉🩸
★★★★★★☆☆☆☆ — 6/10
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, we tried to keep our toes from freezing and popped some popcorn, unaware of the jumpscares that awaited us. And thus: Crackcoon, a vicious and gory tale about a coked-up racoon, began to play.
#9) Attack of the Killer Tomatoes🍅🛸🎙️
★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆ — 5/10
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, we piled on the sofa, eyelids drooping from too many long weeks, and chuckled through Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
#8) Osombie🧟♀️🪖🥱
★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ — 3/10
This episode, we sat on the couch, six feet away from each other— due to Emi’s cold—and cracked open Amazon Prime to watch the Tik-Tok recommended spoof with Walmart versions of Ryan Gosling (although Emi is convinced he looked more like Adam Sandler), Natalie Portman, Taylor Lautner, and Keanu Reeves.
#7) Birdemic: Shock and Terror 🦅 🔫 😷
★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ — 2/10
This episode, we strap in to view our very first Groovy Movie of senior year! With a high IMDB rating of 1.7/10, we dive into the horrifying world of Birdemic: Shock and Terror: featuring the quiet and far-too-close town of Half Moon Bay and the sudden invasion of a violent horde of birds. Two ordinary citizens— Dumb and Dumber—rise to the challenge, but one question remains: Will they survive the shock and terror that is… the Birdemic?
#6) Killer Sofa 🇳🇿 🛋️🩸
★★★★★★★★☆☆ — 8/10
This episode, we popped some popcorn, scooped some ice cream, and cozied up on the sofa for another killer movie! This time, with a budget of 85k dollars, we’re whisked away to New Zealand to watch an uncomfortably cinematic tale of…well… a killer sofa.
#5) Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter ✝️ 🧛 👩❤️💋👩
★★★★★★★☆☆☆ — 7/10
This episode, we popped some popcorn and cozied up on the sofa for a kick-butt, nail-biter of a film, where Jesus Christ finds himself the savior of lesbians.
#4) Ginger Dead Man 🫚🧍♂️🎄
★★★★★★☆☆☆☆ — 6/10
This episode, we popped some popcorn and cozied up on the sofa for what might be our new favorite Christmas movie, The Gingerdead Man.
#3) Sharks of the Corn 🦈 🌊 🌽
★★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆ — 4/10
This episode, we snuggled into the leathery couch cushions for a hopefully Thanksgiving-ish themed movie, Sharks of the Corn.
#2) Spaghettiman 🍝 🇮🇹🧍♂️
★★★★★★★☆☆☆ — 7/10
This episode, we follow cynical protagonist named Clark Kent trudges through his day-to-day life, griping about financial issues, until one fateful day, he attains the power to fling spaghetti at evil-doers. The entrepreneur that he is, the paper bag-masked hero sets off to rid crime from the streets, as long as the would-be victims pay him for his heroics.
#1) VelociPastor ✝️ 🦖 ⛪️
★★★★★★★★★☆ — 9/10
Our night started with Lactaid and dye-free popcorn as we settled down to watch what we would soon discover as the greatest movie ever made: The VelociPastor.