By Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, we popped some popcorn, scooped some ice cream, and cozied up on the sofa for another killer movie! This time, with a budget of 85k dollars, we’re whisked away to New Zealand to watch an uncomfortably cinematic tale of…well… a killer sofa.
**Disclaimer: this movie, and thus this article as well, is rated R as it discusses sexually explicit content and is not recommended for younger audiences. View at your own discretion**
Episode 6: Killer Sofa
★★★★★★★★☆☆ — 8/10
*Beware! Spoilers below!*
This incredible movie starts with a disturbing close-up on some guy strapped to a table, screaming bloody murder as another guy chops off his legs. The camera pans, and a mysterious photo on the shrine nearby is splattered with suspiciously clotty bright red blood. Finally, with a very long montage of moody-lit dancing, we meet our main character—a ravishing woman named Francesca. According to Francesca and her best friend, Maxi, men have always fallen head-over-heels for her, to the point of obsession and insanity. Two detectives, brilliantly named Gravy and Grape, approach her after her set one night, asking her for her cooperation as they conduct a murder investigation. These characters unfortunately feature difficult-on-the-ears New Zealand accents, making the movie a bit of a hard watch—not because it was hard to understand, but simply because of the terrible accents.
Unrelated to the investigation, three side characters work to collect a sofa from a freaky dungeon featuring chain decorations and choppy red-lighting. While trying to secure the sofa, one of the girls’ knuckles gets severely cut up—presumably from the sofa itself. The sofa is then delivered to Francesca, but not before going through the repudiated Rabbi’s antique furniture store first. The Rabbi, suspicious of the oddly human-looking sofa, touches the armrests and sees a vision of a forest-y action scene. He passes out, and awakes only from the sofa delivery man doing…chest compressions? Clearly the delivery man never learned proper CPR protocol in his PE classes.
Cut to the Rabbi and his family, congregated around their dinner table. The Rabbi’s granddaughter just happens to be Maxi, Francesca’s best friend, and they discuss the weird vision the Rabbi received when he touched the arms of the sofa. “There’s a Dybbuk in the sofa,” he claims. Throughout the movie, we get frequent glimpses into the intricacies of the occult through the YouTube channel of a famous occultist. With his help, we learn how dybbuks can latch onto human souls, and sometimes inhabit objects as well.
Meanwhile, Francesca is having…. sensual dreams about the sofa. We get a full 2 minute montage of Francesca trembling on the couch in a skimpy red tank and incredibly short shorts, suggestively caressing the “recline” button on the side of the armrest, before she wakes up in a cold sweat. This, along with other events, reveals that the couch… is sentient? And in love with Francesca? This “passion” comes to fruition when Francesca’s “gay” boyfriend is working in the kitchen, and the sofa just ambles up and stabs him in the leg with a bent metal spring. This act of violence was one of many to come: like when Francesca’s ex breaks into her house, only to meet his demise at the hands of an iron. Or, when Maxi visits Francesca’s house to witness the sofa dumping the ex’s lifeless body into the yard, prompting a harrowing chase, ending with Maxi’s implied death inside one of the trash bins outside. Or worst of all: Francesca’s boyfriend’s mother accidentally vacuuming up the fleshy pieces of her deceased son.
Between dramatically lit shots and a surprisingly mediocre cast of actors, this movie was an experience. Unlike some of our previous reviews, like Sharks of the Corn, we did not languish waiting for the movie to end. It had us on the edges of our seats, even. Unfortunately, it seems that we have selected a movie not nearly ridiculous enough for a Groovy Movie review. Despite the ridiculous themes of a possessed couch and Rabbis that have nothing to do with Judaism, it was not a bad movie (..disregarding the 3.7/10 on IMBD). Lost points were only due to the lack of comedy—which cannot be attributed to the movie itself. It touted itself as a horror, and horror it did somewhat deliver. The largest issue for us was that the movie shouldn’t have taken itself so seriously. A movie like “Killer Sofa” with a sentient sofa as an antagonist could never have truly driven a chill into the audience’s bones. Why not embrace the ridiculousness of it all, and make it a horror-comedy spoof? Only occasionally did it deliver laugh-out-loud moments, like when the Rabbi is reaching out for his Advil, and twice he’s misunderstood and left to his agony. Or, conversely, when the Rabbi wakes from his nightmare and we get a powerpoint-presentation-esque transition that feels like getting punched in the face. Over all, it was a polished, clean, cinematic movie—extremely inappropriate for a spoof-reviewing column such as this. But entertaining, nonetheless.
Our Favorite Quotes:
- “You know he’s like… gay? Right?”
- “So the cops found pieces of him, that’s pretty rad”
- “You made me cookies, so I’ll make you something—cereal?”
- “Men especially seem to get really attached to me”
- “He’s immune to me… sexually”
- “But why did she kill herself???”
- “He has weak bones. I have strong bones. We’d make strong babies.”
- “She left me two weeks ago. Took the kids with her. This time, it’s for real”
- “Ah, Gravy, the pressure cooker.”
- “You’re francesca!!!!” – said to a random hat and bra laying on a bed
Us when we see a new poorly-made movie:
