By Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, we piled on the sofa, eyelids drooping from too many long weeks, and chuckled through Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.
Episode 9: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes
★★★★★☆☆☆☆☆ — 5/10
*Beware! Spoilers below!*
The film opens with an ominous message informing us that this movie is based off the very real novel The Tomatoes of Wrath: Adventures of a Tentative Traveller, which, for this movie being chosen for a Groovy Movie and all, is quite impressive that it actually had some inspiration behind it! Cut to a woman washing dishes, when all of a sudden, the tomato sitting in the drain of the sink comes alive! Mia found the tomato’s grumblings quite similar to Marvin the Martian (from Looney Tunes) when the tomato jumped out of the sink and attacked the woman. We are then blessed with an absolutely delightful original jingle about killer tomatoes—a theme song, if you will. A certain C.J. Dillon appeared numerous times, in many different forms: C.J. Dillon. Constantine Dillon. Connie Dillion. But it’s a good thing we weren’t too distracted by the incredible song and equally incredible credits, because towards the end of the opening montage, text popped up on screen: “THIS SPACE AVAILABLE CALL 714-474-5566.” Finding this ad placement absolutely hilarious, we decided we needed to call the number…for science, of course. Sadly, we discovered the number no longer works as our call was immediately canceled.
For the next 5 minutes, we watched in complete and utter bewilderment as a five-minute montage of tomato carnage graced the screen. “He got Timmy. Poor Timmy,” casually remarks an elderly couple as a child gets dragged off-screen by a muttering tomato. Without warning, we then skip to a very important government meeting with only the most important of government officials, led by US Secretary Jim. We do not remember his surname. Unfortunately, the only meeting space available to them was a closet-sized room that barely fit a table and chairs. In disbelief, we watched the good 2-minute-28-second montage of very solemn fellows scrambling over the desk and wedging themselves in chairs between the lip of the table and the wall. When they start to discuss the haywire government operation that allegedly resulted in the tomato attack, they solely refer to it as “Operation PPPPP,” which is pronounced exactly as it is spelled. They eventually decide to create a specialized task force, led by a man named Dixon. On his team: Sam Smith, disguise expert; Berta, swimming expert; and a third guy, underwater expert. During these introductions, Mia offhandedly remarked, “Why does it sound like Darth Vader’s in the room?” a split-second before the camera panned onto a man in full SCUBA gear, complete with flippers.
Then, inexplicably, we cut to a sleazy newspaper editor (sound familiar?) looking over a leaked case file from the Supreme Court. All of his special events journalists are already out on assignments, so he calls in the newbie, Lois Fairchild, to do some investigative work. The moment this woman appeared on-screen, both of us stared a little bit. She was definitely beautiful, but had such unique facial features that we were struck by the fact that we had never seen anyone even resembling her before. But anyways, Fairchild tracks down a supposed witness of the original tomato disaster and catches Dixon in the midst of his investigation. At the same time, Clark Kent passes by on the street, says hi to Lois, and then takes off into the stratosphere? We’re not quite sure what that was about. Shortly after, we watch as Dixon’s “special forces unit” gets dropped off, one by one, in the middle of the desert to “investigate the tomatoes.” Just as the underwater expert disappears into the undergrowth (never to be mentioned again, by the way), a man drops from the sky in full wartime gear, parachute and everything. The master of disguise, meanwhile, is wearing a full Adolf Hitler get-up for no reason. Dixon suggests to him that he utilize his considerable disguising prowess to infiltrate the tomatoes by pretending to be a tomato himself.
To be honest, a lot happens in this movie. As disjointed as this article sounds, the movie was even more so. For the last hour, we watched nearly indecipherable strings of scenes that culminated in a huge parade of “the crazy people” that were left after the tomatoes had completely overrun the towns. In order to defeat the tomatoes in the end, Dixon discovered the indomitable power of a song called “Puberty Love,” in which a high-pitched, pubescent teen croons about the joys of love during puberty, complete with an inordinate amount of voice cracks. Oh yeah, remember Jim, the US Secretary? He was secretly the bad guy and gave the best performance of the entire show in his villainous monologue. He was then killed. Most of our commentary throughout the movie was simply, “this feels like a fever dream.” And lastly: this was also a musical? About three times throughout the movie, the characters started singing and dancing out of nowhere, much to our confused enjoyment.
Though it was definitely a spoof, it was not as enjoyable as other spoofs we have viewed, simply because the plot was indecipherable. But for a movie made in 1978, we were impressed by the amateur quality made possible by the rudimentary equipment available nearly 45 years ago. If you’re on the lookout for wacky, off-the-walls, completely useless entertainment, log onto Amazon Prime Video, and give Attack of the Killer Tomatoes a try. Maybe you’ll like it better than we did.
Notable Quotes:
- “He got little timmy… poor timmy”
- “Kamikaze Tomatoes”
- “All we wanted was a bigger healthier tomato”
- “Oh, Operation PPPPP”
- “This is MAN vs VEGETABLE”
- “Technically, tomatoes are f**s”
- “It’s like trying to stack bibles on whipped cream”
- “He’s only disguised as Adolf Hitler”
- “Sprechen sie Deutsch?
- In reply: “Weiner Schnitzel!”
- “Sir, we’ve captured a giant tomato”
- “I want you to bomb New York City”
- “You’re awfully confident for a man who’s failed twice”
- “3 times, actually, but who’s counting?”