By Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, we popped some popcorn and cozied up on the sofa for a kick-butt, nail-biter of a film, where Jesus Christ finds himself the savior of lesbians.
Episode 5: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter
★★★★★★★☆☆☆ — 7/10
Going into this movie, we didn’t know what to expect. Neither of us had read the IMDB listing for the film, and although we knew it was offered on Amazon Prime, when we went to actually watch it, we discovered it was pay to watch only. Unwilling to part with $1.99 for what we were sure would be a “great” movie, we instead went to the almighty YouTube, and found the entire 1 hour 24 minute and 50 second film uploaded there, where we could watch for free. And hey, if you’re bored in class and need some entertainment…. You can watch Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter here.
*Beware! Spoilers Below!*
The film begins with an unnamed bearded man speaking bible quotes directly to the camera. Don’t be fooled though, this man is not Jesus. We actually never find out who this guy is; he could be some random preacher for all we know. For the sake of the narrative, we assume that this rambling man is our narrator for this specific tale.
Then, the scene cuts to an ominous car driving in the dead of night. We see a woman stumble out of her car, swaying. Uh oh! She doesn’t feel too good! It’s a-okay though, because a friendly goth vampire ambles over and, very suggestively, sinks her teeth into the woman’s neck.
Our first thoughts? This movie has the film quality of The Gingerdead Man—in other words, it looks (and sounds) like it was filmed on a used toilet paper roll. Plus, the only option for closed captioning is in Portuguese and, unfortunately, neither of us know Portuguese, though Emi claims it was very close to Spanish.
We’ll later find out that this film is, in fact, a musical, and none of the lyrics are discernible, with or without the Portuguese captions.
Dramatic cut to Jesus, in his full baptismal glory. Decked out with a bushy beard, long hair, and traditional robes, Jesus baptizes a woman in the ocean. Unfortunately for the person he’s baptizing, Jesus gets distracted and the woman drops into the ocean to fend for herself. Unfortunately for Jesus, he must deal with a posse of blood-thirsty vampires out for his head. Or neck, more appropriately.
Jesus takes care of the situation in the most Son-of-God way possible: by kicking and punching the vampires in undeniable martial-arts fashion. Very “love thy neighbor” of him indeed. Jesus is then recruited by a group of priests, gets a low taper fade, earrings, and a new “hip” fit including branded Adidas clogs and a skin-tight T-shirt. Finally decked out in his battle armor, Jesus swaggers out to “save the lesbians from vampires.”
Jesus goes on to learn at “Straight Shooters” the deal with the vampires. From what we can interpret, the vampires kill lesbians to harvest their skin in order to graft it onto themselves so they can walk in the daylight. Why lesbians? We won’t find out until later, because why explain it with everything else? That’d be too simple.
After a quick (5 MINUTE) choreographed song and dance from Jesus, he gets attacked by an endless stream of atheists from a 2011 Jeep. The accompanying music to this fight scene is, you guessed it, 80s synth! It truly gave the fight a groovy feel, making it perfect for this column. Jesus skillfully decks these vampires and just leaves them in an unconscious heap in the middle of a public park. An amazing feature of the film is the background characters, who are just normal people going about their typical Canadian lives. The movie was filmed over the course of 2 years, shooting only on weekends, but in public spaces. This filming strategy led to Jesus getting some strange looks from uncasted background characters, especially during this fight.
There’s so much more to this movie (possibly musical? we’re not really sure), but we’ll let you discover the rest yourselves. Aside from barely being able to understand the dialogue, we’d probably recommend this movie to those without hearing issues (or those who can read Portuguese, if you don’t want to buy the film on Amazon Prime, and instead pirate it off of YouTube). Definitely better than Sharks of the Corn, but then again, if you read our review, that’s not really saying much. Thank you Jesus Christ for keeping the lesbians safe!
Notable Quotes:
- “Where have all our lesbians gone??”
- *Jesus appears out of the sea* “Lemonade?”
- “Hello Hay-seuss”
- “Consider this the 13th stage of the cross”
- “TO THE PSEUDOSCIENCE OF RELIGION!”
- “For you? Free as OJ”
- “I’m not lesbian, I’m Bi!!” *celebrates*
- “Back when I was hangin’ with the apostles…”
- “Sorry mate, my compassion ended at 6 PM.”
- “It’s all good, it’s alright, everyone’s getting laid tonight!”
- “We’re running short on skin. We’ll need to harvest more lesbians”
