By Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska
Our night started with Lactaid and dye-free popcorn as we settled down to watch what we would soon discover as the greatest movie ever made; The VelociPastor. This glorious movie starts off strong, with priest Douglas Jones’ parents getting blown up behind the words “VFX: Car on fire.” Off to a great start. What more could we ask for? Within the first three minutes, Father Doug finds himself wandering the suspiciously European jungles of China, which “is East.” (The VelociPastor, 3:21) A woman in ceremonial white with a rice hat strapped to her back dies of an arrow wound and with her final breath, tells Doug that he will be the next Dragon Warrior. *insert dragon warrior meme here* With suspiciously professional acting, she presses a large reptilian tooth into Doug’s hand, which he promptly injures himself on. Suddenly, he wakes up drenched in sweat, whispering over and over again, “Hungry….”
Then, we find a prostitute, Carol, on the street. Yes, she’s important. She works for a pimp named Frankie Mermaid (he is “swimming in b******”). Frankie and his luscious combover are also important. Remember him. Totally unrelated, the scene changes to Doug as a Velociraptor staggering through a park. A mysterious ninja is mugging Carol at gunpoint (for being a prostitute, of course). With a mighty roar that was definitely mighty, Doug’s claws extend and rip the mugger apart with a gratuitous amount of blood.
In a totally non-romantic way, Doug wakes up naked in Carol’s sad, twin-sized bed. With a miscommunication, an unfortunately revealing bright orange dress (on Doug’s part), and a trip to the dead body hidden under leaves in the park, Doug discovers his ability to turn into a velociraptor after not recalling the events of the night prior.
Warning: Spoilers Ahead
Skipping much of the lore since writing about the entire movie would ruin much of the plot, here are some of the important non-lore highlights from the rest of the film. We discover that our favorite pimp Frankie is the one who killed Doug’s parents in a fit of “VFX: Car on Fire,” causing Doug to savagely devour Frankie in a very menacing fight scene during Frankie’s confession at mass. Then, Doug spends the rest of the movie realizing that maybe waking up naked in some random girl’s IKEA-stage-room looking bed actually is romantic, and finally kisses Carol, the totally trustworthy “hooker doctor lawyer.” And because of course just a simple kissing scene isn’t enough, our eyes had the absolute joy of enduring a 3 MINUTE MONTAGE sex scene, included just for some extra pizzazz.
The ending is surprising yet hilarious, but we won’t spoil it for those dying to watch the movie after reading this amazing review. This movie brought us on a wild ride from beginning to end, leaving us in stitches when the director slide finally showed up on the screen. It’s safe to say that this movie is a cult classic in the making, and we’re sure that we will rewatch it in the near future.
And now, a list of our favorite quotes.
EMI + MIA’s LIST OF FAVORITE QUOTES
- “So your parents died, Doug. That’s what parents do. They die on you.”
- “Go where you think God will not follow” *CUT TO CHINA*
- “China is East….”
- “Hmmm.. what did the Chinese say?”
- “How eastern.”
- “Hungry…. Hungry…. Hungry…”
- “Where do you want me tonight, daddy-o?”
- “Cuz you’re swimming in b******!!!”
- “Hello, my child”
- “Touch not my skin with thy sinner hands! Jezebel!”
- “There’s not much room for hooker doctor lawyers…”
- “I stole candy from a baby. Then I threw the baby into a river. No witnesses, ya know?”
- “Pimp b******, do drugs, sell drugs, murder people, the usual.”
- FRANKIE: “You might as well just kill me now!”
- DOUG: “…Okay!”
- “He just kept bragging…”
- “We’ll have another shipment of coke in tomorrow.”
- “God does not want people dead.”
- “Oh, I’m sure God wants lots of people dead.”
- “I had parents, once.”
- “We’ll drop you off and you can go to priest college”
- “I haven’t seen Altair for years. Not since the war.”
- *WOMAN COMPLETELY EXPLODES ON A LANDMINE* ““I don’t think we can do anything for her now. She’s too far gone”
- SOLDIER 1: “What do you think she was doing in the forest”
- SOLDIER 2: “I don’t know. Maybe she was trying to start a family.”
- ““I’m pretty sure dinosaurs can’t look up”
- “What does drug smuggling have to do with christianity?”
- “EVERYTHING!”
- “*man speaking chinese*”
- “:O…Bang… Bang Bong?”
- “HAAAA HAA HA HA …………. You’re blind, doug.”
- “I’m fine.”
- “You’re Fine?”
- “I’m Fine.”
- *”SHE’S FINE” appears on the screen*
Thank you for reading our review, and we hope you’ll give The VelociPastor a watch.
Us after watching The VelociPastor:
