By Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska
Move aside, Superman. Get out of the way, Hulk. A new hero emerges from the darkness, his powers not sourced from a spider bite, but from spaghetti cooked in a malfunctioning microwave. The apathetic, cynical protagonist named Clark Kent trudges through his day-to-day life, griping about financial issues, until one fateful day, he attains the power to fling spaghetti at evil-doers. The entrepreneur that he is, the paper bag-masked hero sets off to rid crime from the streets, as long as the would-be victims pay him for his heroics.
Though doubtlessly not as good as the VelociPastor, The Spaghettiman was quite a cinematic work of art, and warranted lots of laughs throughout the night.
SPOILERS BELOW!
Clark Kent is a middle-aged man stuck who finds himself unemployed for eating two slices of a customer’s pizza while delivering it. He lives with Dale, a definitely innocent police officer who does not do *anything* terrible later in the movie. Less than four minutes later we see a gun pulled on Clark—that’s how you know the movie is going to be great! Clark decides to attempt to find a job by bringing a messy resumè written in Sharpie on a slightly crumpled piece of very disheveled binder paper. Unfortunately, the interviewer was not a fan of his answers—for some reason, an electric parts company is not supposed to advice customers to hit all their dysfunctional devices with a hammer? We can’t imagine why. After making an…interesting impression on the interviewer, Clark goes home to eat none other than a deliciously yellow bowl of spaghetti. He pops it in the microwave for—hold on, THREE MINUTES??? No wonder the microwave malfunctions and turns the spaghetti radioactive.
This spaghetti is what turns him into the Spaghettiman; he discovers that all his bodily fluids are now made of spaghetti while taking his morning leak. Clark thinks “hmm… this might not be great” (not a real quote, unfortunately), and after fishing almost three whole boxes of cooked spaghetti out of the toilet he heads to a weed doctor for a diagnosis. At the doctor, he takes a mug from the doctor’s desk and relieves himself into it, stressing the doctor out so much he hits a blunt to become chill again. Sadly, Clark is unable to get a real diagnosis, and instead just receives a prescription for “weed?’…. ‘really good weed.’”
Encouraged by Dale, Clark becomes Spaghetti Man the philanthropist, as long as philanthropists are allowed to force the people they help to pay. He goes out into the “beautiful” city of downtown LA searching for crimes so he can throw spaghetti at the criminals—oh, did we mention? He can summon spaghetti out of his hands. Once he saves people, he makes a money motion with his hand and makes them cough up as much dough as possible. How kind of him!
As usual, we don’t want to spoil toooo much of the plot, so we’ll leave the rest of the amazing movie for you to enjoy yourself. We think you’ll be a fan of the plot twist at the end—the best part of the entire movie is the last 15 minutes. Also, a little warning: for some reason all the videography is really really saturated, your third eye will be opened by the sudden bright colors. We definitely recommend The Spaghettiman—and now we wish we lived in LA for the chance of being saved by him.
EMI + MIA’s LIST OF FAVORITE QUOTES
- “I woke up and that’s a pretty good start”
- “The size of your urethra being comparable to the size of a spaghetti noodle”
- “I’ve put needles inside of urethras”
- “Why?”
- “Science. To see if I could”
- “I wish I could repay you”
- “You can! What’s in your wallet?”
- “Yeah, d*** with 42 dollars!”
- “I can’t do stairs!” says the guy in a wheelchair
- “How much is this woman willing to cough up in order to not get kidnapped”
- “….. it was May of 1992 when cancer first struck my dad”
- “Holy crap …. I’m on TV!”
- “No more hugging until I get paid”
- “You… dad pants.”
- “Larsony, arson, grand theft hydro”
- “How many of your men have been taken down by the Spaghettiman?”
- “Shirt ripper!!!!!!”