By Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska
Welcome back to Groovy Movies, where The Shield writers Emi Gruender and Mia Hanuska scour Amazon Prime’s movie selection to find the most hilariously terrible movies! This episode, we sat on the couch, six feet away from each other— due to Emi’s cold—and cracked open Amazon Prime to watch the Tik-Tok recommended spoof with Walmart versions of Ryan Gosling (although Emi is convinced he looked more like Adam Sandler), Natalie Portman, Taylor Lautner, and Keanu Reeves.
Episode 8: Osombie
★★★☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ — 3/10
*Beware! Spoilers below!*
Oh brother, this movie. After getting through the countless production credits (somehow three companies made this movie and decided, “yeah, that looks good”) the movie begins with US Army men infiltrating a dark corridor where they believe Osama Bin Laden is being held. Peeking into one of the doors, the men find no Osama bin Laden, but instead, a haggle of zombies jumping out and trying to bite them. But fear not! At the end of the hallway, they spot the man himself—as a zombie. The Army comrades take Zombie bin Laden aboard the Army’s helicopter, but eventually end up dropping him in the ocean as he shoots the helicopter pilot.
Then, in an inexplicable cut to a random beach in Pakistan, we watch as a beautiful couple gets mauled by a zombified Bin Ladin. We never see either of these characters again: or if we did, it sure didn’t translate to us.
We then find ourselves dropped into an Afghani desert with a motley crew of cynical American soldiers and watch in horror as each of them get picked off one by one, Saving Private Ryan-style. Speaking of which: this movie definitely seemed like a riff, intentionally or unintentionally! We meet our yoga instructor protagonist, a plucky woman named Dusty Miller, who is scouring an active warzone in search of her idiot brother Derek, a firefighter that witnessed 9/11 and therefore resolved to kill Bin Laden with his own hands. The soldiers take her under their wing when her guide, Asif, gets himself bitten by zombies roaming the desert sands. We learn about each character—Doc, DC, Chapo, Joker, Chip, and Tomboy— through a very repetitive pattern of having heart-to-heart chats intercut with one of the crewmembers absolutely blowing the heads off of nearby zombies. We learn about DC, short for “Divorce-Court,” and his messy relationship with his psychotic ex-wife, with whom he shares joint-custody of their dog. We also learn about…. to be honest, neither of us can remember anything about any of the characters other than the fact that Tomboy had the hots for Doc (“I was supposed to have your babies!”) and also wielded a katana professionally on-camera. We were very impressed (“Where are they finding these actors?!” –Emi). We never learned any of their actual names, by the way. We often referred to them by their uncanny celebrity lookalikes.
Dusty → Natalie Portman
Chip → Taylor Lautner (Mia) and Chris Hemsworth (Emi)
Joker → Keanu Reeves
DC → Ryan Gosling (Mia) and Adam Sandler (Emi)
Derek → Woody Harrelson (played Haymitch Abernath in the Hunger Games)
We then see Derek scouring the plains, looking for information about bin Laden’s whereabouts. He comes across a young Afghani boy alone by some rocks. Derek gives the kid, Dadik, some water and M&Ms—but not the green ones, because those “taste the best.” We see little of the kid, although we do know he is happily returned to his family, and Derek looks so proud of himself for keeping Dadik safe. Cherish the fuzzy feeling this gives for as long as you can, because it definitely doesn’t last long, and we hear nothing more about Dadik or his safety for the rest of the movie.
Then a cut back to the Army pack shows they’re in tragic and imminent danger! A very well-used pattern for this movie! Talking, then shooting. Then more substance-less talking, sprinkle in a katana massacre every now and again, and you guessed it! Explosions. Perhaps we are not the target audience for this sort of film. Unfortunately, this time, the pack doesn’t make it through the battle completely safe. To Emi’s dismay, DC reveals a scratch on his arm: a death sentence in the harsh Utah—oh sorry, definitely Middle Eastern—desert. Tomboy takes DC’s death to heart, as she should since she was “supposed to have [his] babies!” and takes a break to swing her katana around in the setting sun, looking like a L’Oreal commercial.
After DC’s untimely demise, every scene just bled together. Nearly all of them ended up with Chip shirtless (who is choreographing this??) and showing off his toned 6-pack and biceps. Many of them also seemed really quiet, like the producers spent all the budget on everything except for music.
Despite our criticisms, the production quality was incredible. In the first couple of minutes, we looked at the all-out set and the special FX makeup and the cinematography, and were thoroughly impressed. Turns out, with just 10 days of filming in the Utah desert and a $27,000 budget, they pulled together what looked like a very professional shoot! However, the plot and writing completely lost us. By the last 15 minutes, Emi had resorted to scrolling through Pinterest instead of watching what was meant to be the climax of the movie. The cinematography, set work, costumes, props, and makeup? All very, very professional. The writing and plot? Sub-sub par.
In the end, they do end up killing zombie Osama bin Laden without even sacrificing Derek, thoroughly disappointing us. At least get rid of Derek, dang it! Despite this movie only lasting an hour and a half, we were yawning nonstop by the end. Usually, “Groovy Movies” elicit hearty chuckles from us due to their sheer ridiculousness. However, despite its unusually high production quality, neither of us were….como se dice…. entertained. Sharks of the Corn was more entertaining than Osombie, for god’s sake. And believe us, that is an accomplishment. If you enjoy watching the same boring fight scene over again, this movie is for you. For the rest of us normal people…we cannot recommend it. Not even as a funny spoof. Use your spare 1hr and 34 minutes and go watch Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter, or even Birdemic: Shock and Terror. Take a little peek through our “Groovy Movie” Archive to find your next film. Just steer clear from the deserts of Osombie.
Notable Quotes:
- “Bag ‘em and tag ‘em”
- “Eat me, Chippendale”
- “I’M FROM COLORADO”
- “Well cheese and rice—a goddamn freedom fighter!”
- “I plan on living, in a living sort of way”
- “I was supposed to have your babies!”
- “You can still have MY babies”
- “Tupperware party from Hell”
- “Thank you, Call of Duty”
- “You know what the hardest part of rollerblading is? It’s telling your parents you’re gay”
Our Favorite Commentary:
MIA:
- “That guy who died’s “Fun Meter” hat is fire.”
- “Can Chip PLEASE keep his shirt on.”
EMI:
- “Why is this genuinely high budget, I’m so confused!”
- “Is this stock footage or did they genuinely rent a Helicopter…”
- “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! DANG IT, I’M SO UPSET THAT DOC GOT BIT.”
- “Everyone knows that Prozac makes you go crazy.”