By Mia Hanuska
*This article is satirical and/or entirely fictional and should not be taken as news, fact, nor as a reflection of the author’s opinion.*
Okay, here’s a much needed (I guess) backstory. You may recall my inherent distrust for scientists—something you should have too—but where did it come from? Well, it all came from my [REDACTED] doctors being idiots. Cue the story, I guess.
So I’m chilling during one of my regular 26 hour reelsmaxxing sessions, and I get a video listing all the symptoms for ADHD. Alright, whatever, at this point I wasn’t diagnosed and probably didn’t have it, but a reel’s a reel. Then, ZUCK (my AI reader) lists the symptoms and guess what—I fall under all of them. I mean, I knew I had a hard time paying attention in class, but who would’ve guessed I have ADHD? And then, the next reel told me I have autism because I bounce my leg regularly. And then, I noticed I had a headache for no reason at all. I went to the only reliable source of medical advice—WebMD—and they told me to drink water. But what they don’t know is I can’t drink water! My reels doctor just told me water would make my newfound ADHD worse. So now I’m doing what everyone does, scrolling WebMD, when it says having a headache means I have Meningitis!! [REDACTED]!
Now, what’s the first thing everyone does when WebMD diagnoses them? If you said take a microdose of yellow 5 then go outside and start grounding, you’d be partially correct. Of course, I did both of these things, but the big MD also told me I would need antibiotics and I actually LIKE my biotics, so I made sure to drink a healthy dose of my Amish raw milk and take a long swig of a wellness shot to cancel it out. Then, after the trees told me I would be okay, I went back to WebMD and discovered I needed to call an ambulance. In this economy? I’d rather just die from meningitis than pay that bill! Anyways, I asked Big Sammy (my ChatGPT chatbot) (yes he’s named after the Alternative man himself) and he said that I actually did need to go to the hospital. At this point, I’m going crazy, with intrusive thoughts to start cleaning the dishes. Why? Because the stress from being diagnosed with meningitis combined with the stress of my ADHD and Autism (which I definitely have) just made it too hard to do anything.
After another wellness shot and a bit of red40, I’m finally at the hospital. Little did I know I was about to get scammed so hard by Big Pharma. I’m sitting in the waiting room, something like 6 or 7th in line, and, inspired by my mental health diagnosis, want to make sure I’m really correct about it. So, as one does, I search “online ADHD and autism quiz chatgpt”—because I only trust things if it’s made by AI—and take the first 30 quizzes that pop up. Over 70% of them agreed I definitely was on the spectrum, and a little bit further to the right! Obviously everyone knows these quizzes are super accurate, so I felt confident in my new identity.
I’m finally called in and the doctor asks me what’s wrong. I tell him I have womeningitis and he keeps trying to correct me to say “meningitis”; who decided it would be men in the gitis? Right after Women’s History Month? Really? Why can’t it be women in the gitis? To make matters worse, after completely humiliating himself with the womeningitis issue, he tries to tell me I don’t have it. WHAT??? I knew this couldn’t be true, because everything you read on the internet is correct and WebMD is literally a doctor (that’s why it has an “MD” in the name—duh). My IRL doctor tries to ask me what I did to try and counter the virus, and is unimpressed with my tactics. Huh??? I was already starting to doubt his credibility when he said I didn’t have meningitis, and now he’s saying grounding won’t do anything? Scam alert! If doctors online and in person can’t even agree on symptoms for conditions, how are we as patients supposed to trust them?
Compounding on that, I mention in passing my autism and ADHD diagnoses, and the doc tells me I’m neither?! What the [REDACTED]! All I know is I can’t trust him. Not to mention him wanting me to purposefully poison myself with his government-tracker-filled microchipping vaccines…
Anyways, I go home and take more of my aforementioned home remedies along with a couple new ones I discovered on reels on the drive home. Then, in just a couple days (maybe even less than a week!) I’m completely fine again. I told that stinky son of a [REDACTED] that I would be fine! And he didn’t believe me, typical man.
And that’s pretty much where the story ends. A short one, but one that cemented my distrust in the medical and science worlds faster than an Eric Buran AP Gov quick write. Doctors don’t know best, you shouldn’t listen to them, and instead you should listen to me and buy my wellness shot from the link in my bio. All proceeds go to helping me pay for my hospital bills from that one fateful mistake I made of trying to get my womeningitis treated by lunatics. Otherwise you can donate through the GoFundMe link also in my bio. Just remember: don’t trust those conniving [REDACTED]!