By Mia Hanuska
*This article is satire and should not be taken as fact nor as a reflection of the author’s opinion.*
All mainstream science is wrong, by the way. Yeah, I’m Mia Hanuska, and I am a scientist now. What are my qualifications? I read the abstract of maybe three Taylor & Francis Online articles (I couldn’t afford the full PDFs) and scrolled through Instagram Reels for about four hours. Then, I had ChatGPT design me a diploma from NYU saying I completed a bachelor’s degree and made up a couple fake companies and research papers to add to my LinkedIn. Now, I’m a celebrity with my own reality TV show, a YouTuber, a podcaster, and a politician—2025 was a busy year—and I’m going to tell you all about how the research telling you that vaccines are safe, climate change is real, and the pay gap exists is all false. Oh and don’t forget to buy my wellness product that’s guaranteed to protect you from 5G internet frequencies and microwaves at the link in my bio!
Look, what all those disgusting people want you to believe is just wrong. I’ve been grounding each morning and my brain has never been clearer. I can hear the plants whispering to me! They tell me that climate change is fabricated by Big Air trying to fearmonger people into switching to energy sources that are actually more harmful to the environment than fossil fuels! I mean, would YOU trust one of those nuclear energy volcanoes if it were in YOUR backyard? Have you seen the amount of smoke coming from the top? You can’t convince me that’s better than burning coal and oil. And have these people forgotten the Three Mile Island Accident? How dare they want to endanger more innocent Americans by building more death structures in my hometown of Newton, Massachusetts, a whole 25-minute drive away from Boston. What about those living in the areas with nuclear energy towers already? They’re fine? I don’t believe them. Hmph. But just in case, they should buy my wellness shot from the link in my bio #SaveTheKids.
And whenever I tell people their facts are wrong, they always just try to tell me I can’t read. What? Of course I can read. I know all 25 letters in the American alphabet! They say I don’t understand politics, but come on, everyone knows that Nixon didn’t even know what a microphone was, Bill Clinton was completely faithful, and teapots and domes have nothing to do with American history. And science? What do you mean I don’t know what a p value is? Hypotheses? Isn’t that what that villain from Incredibles 2 does?
They say schools should be focusing more on this thing called “media literacy,” but the joke’s on them, because I’m not even going to send my children to school. All public schools do is lie and lie. The only thing I liked was when Eric Buran told me this year in my AP U.S. Government class that sampling errors don’t exist—at least, that’s what I heard. This is what made me realize all my teachers have been wrong thus far! Why does Julia Daniels have us calculating the percent error of our labs? Clearly this just shows that science is faulty!
Well, I did like when Buran told me that everything is about money, because I agree with that. All these researchers, they’re just agreeing with whoever funds them. And I know this because all my news from The People’s Voice tells me that those dirty scientists keep updating their findings and the updated findings contradict what they were originally telling us! Obviously I must be the only person around with a brain because this clearly means they were being paid to get to their original result. Plus, no one declares their conflicts of interest on those journals anyways, at least I didn’t see any on the papers I read. Because aside from my aforementioned research, I’ve been doing a little light reading on these scientists. But I only trust papers from the Academe Research Journals, because they’re famously incredibly reputable, and would definitely require their writers to declare things like that before publishing. I also can’t shell out that money for Taylor & Francis Online and vehemently refuse to use any website that’s funded by the government—it’s all propaganda.
They also say science is ever evolving, but what is it, a Pokémon? Facts are facts, and those can’t be changed at all. This is where Big Science gets people, because everyone else doesn’t realize that facts can’t change. Imagine if one day they try to tell you cigarettes aren’t healthy? Insane. Yet another reason to not trust scientists.
But yeah, back to the schools. I’m planning on homeschooling because I don’t want my children indoctrinated into these silly beliefs. What if they come home and tell me Zootopia isn’t a scary movie? Or try to convince me that I need to look for “more trustworthy” sources for my information? Everyone knows everything you see on the internet is true, especially when it comes from Joe Rogan’s podcast. I just wouldn’t feel safe having my kids around people telling them not to use AI on their assignments—who cares if AI isn’t correct? It’s probably smarter than those lying teachers anyways. Besides, I’ll be speaking English at home, so why would they need to read all those fake stories from Andy Evans’ AP English Literature class? They’re already fluent, there’s no point in taking another year of English. Plus, I’ve read some of those so-called “nonfiction” books Chris Haskett pushed on us in AP English Language—The Right Stuff? Really? Pfft, we never went to the moon! All I’m saying is my kids will be much better off with me teaching them at home, especially since I can keep them safe from the useless books of AP English classes and the false narrative of needing to “fact-check.” Then, while they’re at home, I can make sure they’re getting their thrice-daily wellness tea, which you can also buy at the link in my bio.
Anyways, I hope you realize that since I’m a professional scientist, but not one of those scientists—I’m a GOOD scientist—you can trust me when I say that what you’ve been told by the media is all lies. I can read perfectly well, my children are going to be great, and I never have to second-guess any of the info I read (unless it’s from the government, of course). I’m right, everyone else is wrong, and my diploma says so too. I need to go make my next tinfoil hat and put on my homemade olive oil sunscreen now, but stay tuned for more debunking and reliable information, since I’m one of the only people you should trust. Don’t forget to use code FACTSRFAKE for 2% off my beginner wellness package from the link in my bio!