By Mia Hanuska
*This article is satirical and/or entirely fictional and should not be taken as news, fact, nor as a reflection of the author’s opinion.*
See, I’m seriously frustrated. I released my latest YouTube video and it immediately got taken down for “hateful language!” WTF, YouTube? No one in life has it harder than me, a simple podcaster (inspired by the GOAT Joe Rogan), celebrity, YouTuber, singer-songwriter, politician, and reelsmaxxer, and especially not when I have to constantly fight a system that is censoring me from saying what I want! Why can’t I make fun of people who don’t believe “separate the art from the artist?” It’s not my fault the damn woke far-centrist snowflakes can’t handle my uncensored mind!
All I’m trying to do is raise awareness on the issues I wholeheartedly believe, and it’s truly not my fault if everyone else disagrees with me—I’M RIGHT. You’d think this would’ve been established earlier, back when I was telling everyone about the scientific lies the government is trying to indoctrinate you into, but little do you guys know, I actually got a cease-and-desist letter after sharing that very advice! And then, when I tried to exercise my 1st Amendment right of the freedom of speech when talking about my incredible reelsmaxxing abilities, The Shield told me I wasn’t allowed to swear and redacted half my work. Do you KNOW how much time I put into choosing my exact cuss words perfectly? Can’t say [REDACTED] in today’s society anymore. Oh yeah, they’re probably gonna censor that too. [REDACTED] idiots.
Look, I try to cater to everyone, that’s why I post clips of my membership-only videos on TikTok (and it’s definitely not to incentivise more people to give their data to Oracle through TikTok). Why is it on me if my language accidentally makes someone’s feelings a bit hurt? Nowadays, people are offended by everything. You know, back in my day, the R-slur was the scientific term to talk about those people, and now I have to say “intellectual disability?” Do you know how many more syllables that is? I don’t have time to say all that just ‘cause of some random person’s “feelings.” This society, damn.
And I try to be “politically correct,” I really do. How else would I be a politician? After all, it’s not like you can say crazy, controversial, or downright racist/ableist/sexist/homophobic things and still be in office. Therefore, I’m limited to what I can say, and I absolutely hate it. There’s people out there who want me saying these things: the things they can’t say due to their own societal pressures. They need someone who can speak up for them, who can say the things on their mind, because everyone deserves a voice. And you know what they say about me, they say I am the best speaker ever; no one’s ever heard a better speaker. They say, “Mia, Mia we love you, we need you, you’re the best. Save us Mia, save us!” That’s why you can join me at my “MAKE SPEECH FREE AGAIN” rally this month on March 17th at UC Berkeley. There will be no violence, only love ♥️.
To be honest, what bothers me the most isn’t even that I have to be “politically correct” and let some random MAN decide what I can and can’t say—in Women’s History Month? Really?—it’s that that very MAN is then impacting my job opportunities. So what if I want to be a teacher by day and advocate against public education by night? That’s my constitutional right! I don’t see why my employers should be Googling me anyways; what could I have possibly done to warrant that? My LinkedIn is totally spotless (not to mention accurate) and I would never skip work just to go to the Rainforest Cafe or P.F. Chang’s. Plus, I make for an incredible personality to have around the office, on the two days I actually go in. I’ve never heard anyone complain about me and I love my weekly meetings with my boy Homie Richie, although I still don’t understand how random people online know we call him H.R. for short. I think they know how busy I get with all my entrepreneurial work (that’s what my diploma says I minored in) so they tend to let me relax and talk to my coworkers all day, which is pretty nice, especially because around the office, I can say whatever I want to. Can’t do [REDACTED] like that online though.
That’s why I gotta cut this one short, because if I say too much more, this whole article might get redacted by those evil editors at The Shield. They don’t want me saying [REDACTED], and if I share too many of my real thoughts, my voice gets silenced, just like all those people I’m trying to stand up for. Even when I do share my real thoughts, as soon as I walk into period two of AP U.S. Government Eric Buran calls me out and tries to make me feel bad for them—Zootopia IS scary, okay?! All I want is to share my true, unfiltered opinions and occasionally make fun of some of my idiot peers like Emi Gruender who insist on avoiding listening to Drake and “cancelling” people for just their words, but now I’m over here being cancelled myself. This damn society nowadays, can’t say [REDACTED].