By Mia Hanuska
*This article is satirical and/or entirely fictional and should not be taken as news, fact, nor as a reflection of the author’s opinion.*
Hey guys, I’m back. I’m now properly tinfoil-hatted and slathered in my homemade olive oil sunscreen, and I’m ready to inform you guys yet again. After the incredible reception of my last piece of enlightenment, I’ve been convinced to dish out more of my wisdom and warnings that the general public seems to be greatly missing.
Recently, some “people” have been trying to tell me I need to be worried about how much time I’m spending on my phone. What they don’t get is that they too would be spending this much time on their phone if they had the new iPhone 17 Pro Max Extra Ultra Mega Durable Series 20. I’ve got the Beta Alpha Sigma software update on it too and the AI features it gives me are incredible. My favorite feature is the option to have AI summarize my Instagram Reels while I’m watching—it makes my reelsmaxxing even more efficient! Instead of the 30 seconds lame normies have to spend on each reel, I only need 5 seconds. Ha! Sometimes when using it I even forget that I’m supposed to be reelsmaxxing and space out for a bit. That’s when I have to be careful though; I can’t have my fellow ‘maxxers claiming I’m a poser. (And for those new to the stream and aren’t familiar with what reelsmaxxing is, take looksmaxxing and apply it to the beloved Instagram Reels).
I’m such a good reelsmaxxer that my peers and teachers have started claiming I’m “slacking off” in class. They’re my biggest haters frfr. Maybe if they put some Subway Surfers or Minecraft Hypixel gameplay behind them while they yapped it’d be more interesting and actually worth my time to listen to. I can’t even with evil teachers like Andy Evans and Eric Buran who keep taking my iPhone 17 Pro Max Extra Ultra Mega Durable Series 20 when I’m clearly in the middle of a fire reelsmaxxing session. I’ve even been sent to Jason Miller’s office due to allegations of me “betraying the law,” which is just silly. In Miller’s office, he tends to say things like “Mia, while I respect your grind, you’ve gotta [REDACTED] cut this [REDACTED] out or imma have to report this to Gavin Newsom himself. Lock in homie.” Those are probably his exact words, but then again I was also lowkenuinely locked out cuz he didn’t have any gameplay in the background and was talking too slowly.
And you know what? Only uncs have had issues with my scrolling. They call it an “addiction,” but they just don’t know how hard it is for us kids nowadays. It’s how I cope with the ever changing and slowly deteriorating world I’m growing up in, bruh. Watching millionaires’ “day in the life”s and animals doing human tasks—which I know aren’t AI, despite what everyone keeps trying to tell me—helps me wind down and stay present. My friends are completely fine with my reelsmaxxing too; in fact, they encourage it. I regularly hear Emi Gruender saying “yeah Mia I didn’t want you listening to me anyways” and Averi Halbert exclaiming “dude, you’re [REDACTED] crazy for that…I only have 30 minutes of screen time!” in the faint distance while I scroll.
Now I thought I’d share a slice of my schedule since everyone seems to be wondering what techniques I use to maximize my screentime. Warning: this schedule is trademarked and I will go on X (formally known as Twitter) and cancel anyone and everyone who tries copying me.
7:00 am: Wake up.
7:01 am: Scroll Reels while getting ready for school.
7:50 am: Drive to school with my AI assistant, ZUCK, text-to-speech describing my reels for me (I use the autoscroll feature so I can watch hands-free).
8:02 am: Scroll Reels while walking into school.
8:30 am: Begin my daily fight with my “teachers” on whether or not I’m allowed to reelsmaxx during class. Regardless of what they end up telling me, I’ll screen mirror my Reels from my phone onto my Macbook Pro while using Instagram on my Safari browser so I can maximize my time.
12:25 pm: Scroll Reels while eating lunch next to my friends.
1:00 pm: Continue fighting with my teachers while secretly scrolling Reels as they scold me.
1:08 pm: Get sent to the office. Scroll Reels on the walk there.
2:40 pm: Go home and scroll Reels on the sofa.
6:00 pm: Eat dinner in front of the TV while watching YouTube to allow Instagram time to refresh my feed.
7:00pm: Return to Reels.
1:00am: Set up my laptop next to my bed so I can watch YouTube while I fall asleep.
Oh before you ask, I’m doing perfectly well. My literacy has never been better—it’s far better than almost all of those “science”-believing schmucks—and my ChatGPT skills are through the roof. I especially don’t want any of that lame “help” my parents keep trying to give me because my favorite Instagram account, Joe Rogan, told me not to trust therapists. The only thing they’re good for is lying to you. And I won’t be deleting the app either, because then how will I get my news?? Anyways, I gotta get back to my reelsmaxxing now—well, putting my full attention to my Reels, since I’ve been multitasking while writing this—and making the most out of zaddy Zuck’s platform. In the meantime, just try to beat my screentime: I dare you.