By Mia Hanuska
*This article is satirical and/or entirely fictional and should not be taken as news, fact, nor as a reflection of the author’s opinion.*
Listen. You’ve heard of looksmaxxing and reelsmaxxing, now it’s time we graduate into the real deal: red40maxxing. Red40, the all-natural synthetic dye, has been receiving quite a bit of hate online recently in political spaces. To that I say: have these woke sissys even tried it?? It’s truly the perfect topping for a snack or meal to up the nutritional value. After a long day of podcasting, filming for my TV show, and being a celebrity, sometimes I just need a quick pick-me-up for an extra boost of healthy energy. Red40 is the ideal way to get that fix without all the crazy carbs, sugars, or fats. Instead, a couple drops of red40 on my meal—or even directly on my tongue—gives me everything I need.
I’ve even invested in some special pipettes to really get that really natural feel when I take my dose of red40. After all, I was talking to Mother Nature the other day during my daily grounding sesh and from what I could decipher from the ground’s vibrations is that red40 is totally chill to consume regularly. This is where those online so-called “health-gurus” get you, because they claim they know everything there is about the #NaturalLife but then they try to tell you food dyes are bad! I can’t believe the amount of misinformation is being spread by people I thought were so good. Oh shame on them, where is their blush?
And look, I get it. I too once believed I could have “allergies,” but then I did my own research, and found out that yet again, all the scientists were lying to me! I didn’t have Hashimoto’s, or an allergy to food dyes, or lactose intolerance—I was just not taking enough red40! Silly me. Now that I macrodose red40 (and microdose yellow 5 and blue 2 lake) I’ve never felt better. I’m always alert, active, and for some reason feel like I always have hives, but I’m sure that’s normal.
The real unfortunate fact of the matter is that people focus so much on red40 that they forget the other incredible options on the market. I had to advertise this piece as solely “red40” or else people probably wouldn’t click (and because The Shield’s editors censored my original title—typical), but my fellow food-dye-maxxers are missing out on the most delectable tastes by sticking to just red! There are so many other incredible options only the true boujee connoisseurs know about. As I mentioned earlier, I only microdose yellow 5 and blue 2 lake, but that’s just because it’s so good I have to savor every moment I can. My favorite way to consume these is not just by microdosing or directly administering to the mouth, but instead by finding the healthiest mass-manufactured unprocessed food that already contains it. Some favorites of mine include pickles (the more nuclear-waste-colored, the better), Cool Ranch Doritos, M&Ms, Lucky Charms, cotton candy ice cream, and sprinkles. I find the food dyes really add a nice pizzazz to these otherwise boring, bland foods.
Unfortunately, though, I’ve recently been informed Big Black and White is trying to take out my precious food dyes from my food! Just the other day my fellow reelsmaxxer and older sister sent me a picture of the new “NKD” Doritos—a true abomination and disgrace to everything I’ve worked for. Why would they take a perfectly good product and try to remove exactly what makes it perfect? And then, when watching Plan 9 From Outer Space for Chris Haskett, all I could think about was how the entire thing could’ve been avoided if they had just given the aliens some food coloring instead of denying their existence. After all, as Hamlet says: a life without food dyes is a prison.
And then, in AP U.S. Government, we were discussing whether or not we should ban dyes and most of my [REDACTED] ignorant peers voted yes! What [REDACTED] idiots! Luckily, the sus Eric Buran agreed with me, I mean, imagine how much worse Twinkies would be for catching nuclear bombs if they didn’t have yellow 5 and red 40 in them! It’d be catastrophic!
Oh, and there’s my alarm to take my next doses of food coloring—shucks. I guess I better go put my tinfoil hat back on (you might’ve even seen me around school with it on the other day), dig my little tootsies into the ground, cop a couple reels, and eat some food dyes. I hope I’ve inspired you to join the cause and red40maxx with me! #IDyeEveryDay