By Mia Hanuska
Now that we’ve discussed in detail why people live in too much peace, and that their lives are far too regular and comfortable, we can get into the real reason you’ve likely picked up this book: to learn how to ragebait.
First, it is important to cover why we must ragebait. Of course, one aspect lies in the imperative that no one shall remain truly happy in their life. As mentioned in chapter seven, joy has been scientifically proven to ruin the brain cells. Therefore, we must work together as a society to instead strengthen the brain by inducing rage, which in turn, releases dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin—all beneficial chemicals for the body. Furthermore, ragebaiting people provides excellent entertainment. People are boring—that’s just a fact. More importantly, people always talk far too much about themselves. Ragebait works by bringing the attention and show to you, instead of the other person. This means more time in the limelight for you, and less of your boring, bland, and frankly just annoying peers. Lastly, who doesn’t like to see their best friends, mentors, and random people online incredibly frustrated by your improvised naivety? It’s fun!
A simple way to remember the steps to successfully ragebaiting is to recall the niche phrase “gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss,” from a while back. I bring you the improved version: “ragebait, rampage, rule.”
To start, you must ragebait. There are many important steps to remember about ragebaiting—after all, it’s an art that takes years for many to practice.
01. The Perfect Time to Ragebait
Of course, whenever possible is ideal. However, there are certain times when it is absolutely necessary for you to ragebait someone:
- They feel extremely passionate about something and are excitedly telling you about it
- They’ve just been engaged to/married/dumped
- They’re divulging their deepest darkest secrets to you
- They’re incredibly proud of a grade they just got
- They’re feeling incredibly depressed about a grade they just got
- One of their family members just died
- Their house recently burned down
- They’re currently in the middle of a panic or anxiety attack
- They have a big test coming up for which they haven’t studied
- AP Lit MCQ scores just got published
Now, this list is far from all-inclusive as there are a manifold of times when ragebait is obligatory. Hopefully, this will give those new to the practice a good idea as to when to begin their ragebait. How do you know if a situation is perfect? If they are feeling any type of strong emotion, that’s your time to strike.
02. Cater Your Bait to the Person
This is where most people mess up. It is absolutely crucial that whatever you ragebait someone with is specifically designed to frustrate them. For example, if your teacher is a huge fan of The Beatles, try saying something like “‘A Day in the Life’ is probably the worst song ever made,” or “Weren’t The Beatles just a boy band? Like One Direction?” These specifically target their inner love for the band, and will thus elicit a greater reaction than if you said something along the lines of “all Taylor Swift songs sound the same.” Specifically catering your bait to relate to the current moment that will truly affect them will work even better. Say, if their grandma just died and they’ve been a little distant, you could text, “wow, you haven’t replied in the last 20 minutes? I guess you hate me and want me to die too.”
If you aren’t sure what to say, here a couple of good examples and situations to get you started:
- To a man acting emotional: “Are you on your period?”
- To a student happy about a 95% on a test: “Why’d you miss the other 5%?”
- To someone completely clueless:
- You: “[Insert random, incorrect fact here]”
- Them: “Oh really?”
- You: “Nah, I just made that up.”
- If someone is telling you a fact & is anti-AI, reply: “That’s not what ChatGPT told me”
- To someone majoring in theater: “At least I’m going to actually make money” (Prerequisite: you must be majoring in anything STEM, except from computer science)
- To someone trying to ragebait you: “Cool down, you’re overreacting. Why don’t you get some fresh air?”
- To an AP Lit student: “Nah, those MCQs weren’t even hard. I got like a 50/45 without even studying”
- To someone over text: refer to something they love (or their name) but censor part of it like “I just can’t with you right now S*m” or “your love of h*rses is freaks me out”
- Interrupt someone with a “Who?…. asked?” or a “What?…ever”
03. Your reaction
Now that they’ve caught the bait, it’s important you fuel their reaction. Feigning ignorance, pretending you said something else, maintaining your (incorrect) stance, or even simply staying completely silent while they rage helps to fan the fire. To expand on the aforementioned example, with their grandma dying, they’ll likely respond, “I can’t believe you’d say something like that when you know I’m still grieving. I was at her FUNERAL.” Then you can say, “well, you’re ignoring me when you KNOW I’ve been having a hard time too. I haven’t slept properly in four days and this is how you treat me? Really? You don’t even care that I’m tired too. You just want someone who will listen to you cry.”
Even just reading that probably frustrates you, as the reader, and you aren’t even in the situation! Now imagine sending that message to someone going through the darkest time in their life. Wouldn’t that be hilarious?!
Alright, you’ve completed the first part of “ragebait, rampage, rule.” The second and third parts go hand-in-hand—once you rampage, you will rule. Go on a ragebait rampage. Every word people utter to you? Utilize the opportunity for ragebait. Remember: no one is safe. Parents? Ragebaited. Friends? Ragebaited. Favorite English or U.S. government teachers? Ragebaited. Soon, you will have a monopoly on ragebait; you will rule over the land of Ragebait. All will bow down to you, the ultimate ragebaiter, as they endure your rule. Let no man continue in serenity. If anyone tells you to stop because you’re “being too ruthless” or “hurting their feelings” or “aren’t appropriate for the situation,” that’s when you know you’ve succeeded. It can never be “too much.” When your all ragers are baited and pleading you to stop—no matter if they’re having a great day or the worst of their life—you must recall the ancient scripture of the ‘bait and remain in your rampage forever. Good luck soldier.
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.