Why do we have to reed so much tease days? From those bearly reedable so-called “novels” like Rave Knew Whirl or Grade Speculations to the menu at mcdonalds, everywhere I go those uselis and whorid lines of black ink follow me around. Enuff is enuff!
I mean, why wud I take the tyme to reed when it is so much more easier to have AI text-to-speech just simpleify everything for me? Reeding thru pearagraphs with not known wurds like “articulate” or “condiments” forces me to use my brane to puzzle out they’re meaning and tyres me out. It maykes the rest of my day so much more diffycult because my mined is no longer fresh! In fact, it maykes everyone’s day much more harder because, just like me, everyone else also has a hard tyme reeding! Reeding uselis text, I mean, because I am, of course, purfectly illiterate and don’t struggle to reed at all. Basically, taking the tyme to actually reed waystes so much brane power and maykes us americans more dumber. Why use are branes when AI is rite their?
Plus, by waysting tyme reeding, I can’t cumplete any of the other important things I need to do like promting Chat Gee Bee Tee to write my essay for AP litterchore, my opinioneated pearagraph for AP goverment, or my OP/ED article about the badness of AI for jurnolism. Why should I wayste preshious days, months, or even years reeding thru something uselis to me, like my AP litterchore book or my taxes or my bank statement, when I could be using AI text-to-speech to summerize it for me in seconds? And why should we all be foursed to struggle thru chunks of text in publick when we could be lisening to a summery of everything insted? I mean, just imagyne how much more efishent mcdonalds wud be if we replayced all the menus, wurkers, and ads with AI, pacifically Chat Gee Bee Tee, which could reed everything out loud to us and create pichures to go along with they’re summeries! It wud be amayzing! There wud be no more eggsessivly noisey wurkers or ads. Insted just the pieceful silence of Chat Gee Bee Tee reeding out everything to all of us at the same tyme. We wudn’t have to use are branes at all! I can just imagyne the purfecshion!
Also, sum may clame that reading remains vital for everyone’s brains and a lack of reading will contribute to a growing nationwide illiteracy, but that’s simpley not tru. Reading connoisseurs claim that by reading you use your critical thinking skills and become more intelligent—such as through learning new vocabulary by parsing through unknown words, learning superior sentence structures by analyzing acclaimed author’s writing styles, or learning important information by perusing past and present topics. They claim that, like a muscle in your body, you must constantly challenge and use your brain in order to grow and develop it—the more you work it out, the better it will perform. These reading advocates claim that reading augments your literacy and intellectual capacity; a lack of reading, your illiteracy and idiocy. But clearly their wrong. Just look at me, I avoyd reeding at all costs but I’m purfectly illiterate!
Obviously, those reeding conasurs are not rite and the reel solushion to are reeding problem is to use AI text-to-speech to summerize everything for us. Insted of uselisly wurking are branes to reed, we can easily lisen to AI without using are branes at all! Why reed text areselves when AI can do it for us in the blink of an I?
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.