By Weston Kelly
“Capitalism breeds innovation.” You’ve all heard the saying. But where does innovation lead now? It seems as if every problem has been solved, every need met, and inconvenience managed in the Great United States. But that’s not quite right. You business owners and corporation leaders still face a massive struggle, one more malicious than any regular employee has ever faced: expanding profit margins. With tariffs increasing the price of many raw materials, it is harder than ever for a business to reach a sweet 100% margin. But maybe, just maybe, I have the solution.
Labor costs make up around 70% of total business expenditures. That’s absurd! All of that spending could equate to profit if there was a way to obtain nearly free labor. The first step to cutting the largest cost of business begins with finding a suitable workforce. And it seems our country has been tiptoeing towards the solution for some time now. The current minimum wage workers, who live paycheck to paycheck, have no benefits, no insurance, no PTO, and no excuses to not show up to work, have zero net worth. And here is how to trick them—don’t clue them in to their own extortion. As Dostoevsky put it, “The best way to keep a prisoner from escaping is to make sure he never knows he’s in prison.”
To begin, business owners cannot pay for anything more than the bare minimum if they want to turn a profit. But how would anyone get away with that? Well, it’s simple enough: empty promises. You can always say that health insurance is provided, but nobody really forces the monopolized insurance companies to pay. You can always say that “it’s fine to attend a funeral today”, but who knows if the lazy employee who skipped work will have a job after trying to recreate Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. And wages? Wage theft is already the most common crime in the greatest country in the world, so what’s a couple thousand more on top of $50 billion? Give the workers just enough to survive, and they will have to slave away 60 hours a week if they want to live. With no chance of escaping poverty, the workers and their children will become exceptional at raking in revenue for CEOs.
Next up, scarcity. You need to turn the job market into a gladiator pit. Finding a job should be so hard that people are willing to sacrifice each other for the chance at working. As an added bonus, this makes it even harder for employees to leave companies—because where else will they go? Fake job postings have already flooded the market, and this is perfect. Increase the chance of companies ghosting applicants, and the applicants will believe they are lucky for finding an entry level job. Once the employees are convinced that abhorrent conditions are instead gracious gifts from benevolent bosses, they will put even more effort into keeping any position they have.
“Climbing the corporate ladder.” Another lie to feed the rats who work for you. The possibility of greatness, wealth, and providing a better life for loved ones. By giving 110%, a raise could mean an extra night out every month or an on-time rent payment. Encourage your little workers to do their best by giving them small rewards—nothing extravagant like the bonuses you deserve, but a couple extra dollars to keep them satisfied. Have the working class trapped in a cycle of consumerism, and nobody will be discomfitted enough to rebel.
Another step to maximizing profits and controlling those beneath you lies in the media. These plans cannot come to light, and complacency should be encouraged. Social media and large-scale news corporations have the incredible power to reach nearly every citizen of the United States, so why not make it useful? Distractions and hateful rhetoric can work wonders on disguising real issues. Push redundant echo-chambers and reinforce radical ideas to further bar unification. Implement a large-scale culture war that divides the left and right rather than the top and bottom. Keep the members of the working class pitted against each other over trivial issues while you make sure they aren’t focused on their own demise.
Here’s another powerful strategy: make alliances. Remember how workers used to unionize to extort their employers into paying more? Now it’s time for you to rebel. Partner up with your competitors and the agencies that keep you in check. Make some friends in the Department of Labor to help erase your name off of any negative reports. And go lobby in Congress! If you can turn these suggestions into laws, nobody will be able to stop total corporate control. Although monopolies are “illegal,” almost everything is owned by 12 companies already. Regulators allow shady business practices with enough monetary convincing.
Clearly something has to change. Currently, the government has a few members with morals left. Yet with enough money thrown their way, you can convince them that capitalism works in their favor. And of course, always remember to do this: convince your workers their value is how hard they can work. Keep them distracted, keep them complacent, keep them tired. Don’t let the workers know they are being enslaved. Once you have achieved this, you have achieved the most important thing in the world: perfect profits.
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.