By Mia Hanuska
Task: Explain what someone in ferrier science does from the perspective of a professor in the field. Except you don’t know what ferrier science is and you’re not allowed to research it beforehand.
There are two pathways one can choose to take when studying ferrier science. Well, three if you choose the pathway I took, but most stick to the two beaten paths. However similar the two seem; they actually study completely different topics, despite falling under the same category of science.
The first is the study of ferrets. Yep, that’s right, the animal. Now, I already hear the complaints from the uneducated in the audience: “I thought that’s what a zoologist does?” And to you my friends, I have one simple answer: Shut up. First, it’s extremely disrespectful to disrupt my presentation like that with your stupid, ignorant questions, throwing off my train of thought and heckling me while I’m trying to actually educate you! Second, that’s a very common misconception. While zoologists study the overall animal kingdom, ferrier science focuses specifically on the intricacies of the ferret as an organism.
What many don’t understand is that the ferret is no standard animal—they have no backbone. Not only does this make them incredibly terrible people-pleasers, but it also shows how little we know about life on Earth as a whole. There is not a single other mammal on Earth without a backbone, and this is why it’s simply imperative we study these alien creatures before discovering more like them. Elements of their lives we have still yet to discover include, but are not limited to: “why do they look like that?”, “who decided to take their backbone?”, “why can’t you keep them as pets?”, and “the freak happened to them?” All dearly valued questions, all completely unanswered for now.
The other branch of the field, on the completely opposite end of the spectrum, is the study of electricity through different conductors. Avid electrical engineers or even just hobby electricians are likely familiar with the “ferrule,” a cap of plastic and metal crimped on the end of a wire to help keep wiring clean. The term “ferrule” was actually coined by the creator of this branch of ferrier science (Dr. Ferry, like the boat) before the science even existed. However, that’s besides the point. Scientists in this nerdy side of the field work on issues involving how electricity and electrons are able to ferry themselves through different materials. Through their studies, ferrier scientists have discovered the different resistance levels of various elements and have proven that electrons move erratically. This side is a little more boring, and I can tell many of you are already falling asleep in your seats. So, I’m sure you’d like to hear the secret third pathway through the science.
For me, that consisted of learning both at the same time. I’m what they would call a ferrier squared—I learned both sides of the science simultaneously while also walking to university everyday, uphill both ways. This does require a lot of inner motivation and dedication, but I did it in just a few years. PHD and all. Some even call me “The Ferrier” for how many scientific achievements I’ve earned over the years. But enough about me—how can you enter the ferrier science field?
Well, that’s easy. Ferrier scientists are not uncommon, and can be found at any top 20 R1 university that also offers women’s flag football and an ASL minor. Just reach out to any willing professor, and they’ll help you get in. But remember to ask them which branch they study—you wouldn’t want to accidentally get their hopes up only for it to be the wrong branch! Good luck and happy studying!