*This article is satire, and should not be taken for fact or as a source of information.*
I’m sure everyone knows those people who are severely lactose intolerant yet seem to be the only people who willingly consume dairy on a daily. Even though they know they’ll be stuck on the toilet—probably risking hemorrhoids, because who are we kidding?—people with dairy sensitivity are the only ones you’ll ever catch drinking whole milk at the dinner table. This notion has led me to the question: What makes dairy products so fascinating to the people who can’t consume it? So I’m here to tell you that it isn’t in the product that intrigues them, it’s in the way they’re made. Yeah, I said it. Companies are going to extreme measures in order to attract the consumption of lactose intolerant people by transforming it into different products. Here’s exactly how they do it.
- Cheese
Everyone else seems to love the stuff, so what’s the secret to it? Once, I snuck into a milk-to-cheese converting facility and saw that they were sneaking insane amounts of yellow 5 food dye into the milk!!! And everyone knows that red 40 is bad, but yellow 5 is worse. It attracts lactose intolerant people by giving off a scent untraceable to the normal person’s nose. But to lactose intolerants, that’s not the case. Their specially mutated nostrils pick up this scent like a cheetah to a gazelle. When the milk curdles into the cheese, it makes it irresistible to those who can’t eat it. Now, I don’t know if the government is paying these companies to target lactose intolerants, but I know it’s not safe.
- Ice Cream
Well, I was debating whether or not to include ice cream, because obviously everyone loves it, but I have my doubts that they put stuff in here that appeals to lactose intolerant people more than normal. The other day, I caught my best friend eating ice cream straight from the pint despite knowing she was going to be stuck on the toilet for the rest of the night. I stole a glance at the ingredients list and saw guar gum. Now, I already knew I didn’t have to do any research on this stuff to know that it “guar” undoubtedly stands for “Gets u Udderly Allured” and then an “R” to make it sound chemical-y.
- Cottage Cheese
Now, I know what you’re going to say: You already used cheese as an example!! Yes, Captain Obvious, I know that. But I decided to use cottage cheese on its own because this stuff is absolutely diabolical. You will never catch me willingly eating cottage cheese because it looks like curdled milk, yet I see old(er) people all over the world consuming it left and right like there’s no tomorrow. I have my many suspicions about it too. I think cottage cheese makes people become lactose intolerant. Yup. What sane person would ever eat it? What I’m saying is that only people that are insane eat cottage cheese and it makes them dairy sensitive because, I mean, it’s right in its name! “Cottage” and “leverage” sound basically the same and “leverage” is in fact a synonym of “milk.” OK, I know that dairy “milk” and leverage “milk” are two different things, but I see right through it. They tried to be sneaky with the name but all I hear is the government trying to convert our population into them dairy sensitives.