It has come to my attention, after almost a year of careful observation in first period AP Literature with Andy Evans, that high school students suffer from a wretched, devastating, and flat out unnecessary condition: sleep. This outdated habit consumes approximately eight hours every night, robbing high school students of their valuable time that could otherwise be used to finish assignments, participate in extracurriculars, or for volunteering for the sake of college applications, and of course maintaining a respectable social media presence. If teachers are as serious about preparing young students for the “real world” as they claim, it’s only logical that we eliminate sleep in its entirety.
The glaring problem is that students constantly whine about the stress, exhaustion, and the inconvenience of having no will to live during finals week. But society doesn’t see the real problem. Teenagers spend up to one-third of their existence sleeping. ONE-THIRD! Imagine the GPA inflation if that time were properly exploited.
Therefore, to combat this problem I suggest the A.S.E.I. or the Academic Sleep Elimination Initiative. It’s simple really—through a district-distributed IV drip consisting of coffee and caffeine, stylishly branded with Westmont’s logo—students can remain awake forever. Hallways will never again be filled with the sounds of yawning but instead the crisp clacking of keyboards at 3:30 a.m. Group presentations will flourish because nobody will need “to go to bed.” Evans may assign 10 chapter reading assignments without worrying about students “needing rest.” After all, rest is purely a myth made up by mattress companies.
Just think of all of the economic benefits. Coffee companies will flourish. Westmont could extend their school day to 20 hours, allowing students ample time for studying for AP exams, SAT prep, varsity sports, and a very short debate seminar in Eric Buran’s class titled “How to avoid burnout.” (Scheduled between 1:00-5:00 a.m.). Parents no longer have to give you a mandatory bedtime, instead, they shall watch their beloved child work on Buran assignments at breakfast, Lit essays at lunch, and college essays at dinner.
Some bigots may argue that a full eight hours of sleep is mandatory for brain development, overall health, and emotional well-being. However, these cowards obviously lack ambition. What’s eight hours of sleep compared to a 4.5 weighted GPA? Who cares about your brain stability when instead you could have leadership roles in six different clubs? History remembers the productive, not the well-rested. As the Greek philosopher Socrates once said, “to snooze is to lose.”
Just imagine how much society would have progressed if those of the past embraced sleeplessness. Shakespeare would have written two additional tragedies. Maybe Isaac Newton would have discovered gravity before the apple even fell. And maybe I would have finished this essay sooner instead of waiting till the day before it was due.
The best part of my A.S.E.I. system however lies within how simple it all is. Students will no longer waste time lying in darkness, contemplating their existence, or even worse feeling emotions. Instead they’ll enjoy the glow of productivity, for in our time exhaustion shall be worn as a badge of honor.
So let us all step into a future where teenagers no longer dream, because dreams, unlike transcripts, cannot be submitted to my common app, Harvard here I come.
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.