By Ria Mukesh
Once, budding teenage romance involved awkward eye contact and intricately folded handwritten notes. Now, romance unfolds primarily in the presence of iPhone screens, where every notification from your crush is both hope and premise for an in-depth analysis meeting. No one is actually labeled “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” anymore; that would be far too direct and inflexible for our rapidly evolving society. Instead, we enter the all-too-common realm of the situationship (a commitment-phobic arrangement where two people act like a couple but refuse to close all their options). They “talk.” They “snap.” They “see where it goes,” which, statistically, is nowhere. The modern teenager no longer has a need to let relationships develop naturally, rather conducting full-scale investigations into the every-second whereabouts and online interactions of their crush.
A single “hey” can launch a three-hour strategy FaceTime with best friends. “He left you on delivered for twenty-seven minutes,” a friend reports, as though warning of an upcoming national disaster. Twenty-seven minutes. Was he drafting the Constitution? Hanging out with another girl? Or, brace yourself, simply eating dinner? We may never know.
Friends gather to analyze the difference between “ok” and “okay” as though decoding ancient Shakespearean texts. They debate whether or not a period at the end of a sentence signals emotional detachment, and refresh Instagram stories like CIA agents awaiting classified intelligence. If he views your story but does not reply, clearly a crisis meeting must convene.
Social media, ever the matchmaker, graciously offers us tools to enhance our romantic pursuits. Why initiate an uncomfortable conversation with your significant other when you can reference a following list from 2022? Why communicate directly when you can stalk your crush’s TikTok reposts for hidden meaning?
Love, like Amazon Prime, should arrive within 2-3 business days. There is no need to spend months learning someone’s hobbies and favorite ice cream flavors when one can simply establish a surface-level emotional attachment by week two. Why “grow together” when you can accelerate straight to relationship status without investing time or emotional risk?
Due to this rapidly spreading mindset, it would be irresponsible not to completely modernize romance to meet our efficiency standards. Therefore, I propose the implementation of the Pre-approved Boyfriend or Girlfriend License. Rather than wasting months “getting to know each other,” teenagers may now apply for immediate romantic certification after completing a compatibility quiz. Questions may include: “Do you text back within a reasonable timeframe?” and “Do you promise to post your partner on Instagram regularly?” Upon approval, applicants receive official “boyfriend material” or “girlfriend material” status, making it easier to be assigned a romantic partner. Additionally, all messaging apps should include a Relationship Transparency Feature that will appear beneath every “left on delivered” message: “Delayed due to homework,” or “Delayed due to fear of vulnerability and commitment.” Such messages will eliminate unnecessary speculation, saving countless hours of group chat investigations. After all, love is clearly most authentic when achieved quickly and without struggle. If a connection does not form within a few days, it must not be meant to be. Why nurture something uncertain when one can simply refresh and restart with full certainty?
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.