By Aidan Coleman
As the modern age develops in front of us, college admissions have become increasingly competitive. High school preparation is no longer enough. We need to start preparing society’s children for college far before they enter high school, and we need to start now. Fortunately, with thorough planning, your child can begin building a fierce and driven resume before they even learn the times table. Here are 10 steps that will guarantee your child’s future success.
Step 1: Choose a marketable liking. Children nowadays love to have useless hobbies such as playing with toys. This needs to stop. Instead, pick something more inspiring. For instance, biomedical research is more beneficial than bracelet making. Passion should look great in a headline.
Step 2: Establish a personal brand. To be successful, every child must create a LinkedIn by nine years old. Enough with soccer moms and photos from an iPhone. Instead, purchase professional headshots at soccer games to develop your child’s legitimacy in the industry. You also must have your child create a mission statement as a tagline for their future endeavors.
Step 3: Launch a nonprofit. It doesn’t matter what the nonprofit does, just start it. It needs a logo and its own Instagram page. Bonus if the nonprofit has the word “Global” somewhere in the title.
Step 4: Volunteer strategically. Only have your child volunteer at an organization where photos will be taken, like a local trash cleanup. Note that hours do not count unless they are documented. Compassion and spirit are cool, but documentation and evidence are better and more important.
Step 5: Capitalize free time. Instead of setting up a lonely lemonade stand, turn it into a startup. For school, do not let everyone else purchase study guides and homework help online. Have your child create and sell their own. Summers can be important for relaxation, but for a guaranteed spot in an Ivy League, your child must write a self-published book with a creative title like The Mindset of a Fifth Grader.
Step 6: Dominate adversity. Minor inconveniences? Turn that into resilience. Is your child struggling with a group project? That’s leadership growth. Did they lose a soccer game? That’s perseverance. Did they lose their best friend? Tell them to find a new one.
Step 7: Network early. Birthday parties are special, but transform those into networking events. Make connections. Instead of having the children ask each other about nonsense like toys and games, have them ask each other, “So what field are you thinking of going into?” “Planning on attending summer camp?” That’s a perfect setting to exchange business cards.
Step 8: Eliminate wasted childhood events. Recess is inefficient. What’s the point of children doing nothing with their brains for 15 minutes? Playdates are wasteful. Instead, turn them into collaborative creative sessions. Is your teenager losing sleep over education? That’s unfortunate, but AP classes and exams take priority over their physical and mental health.
Step 9: Formulate the perfect personal essay. Every single moment in your child’s life should be viewed as potential essay material. Colleges are always looking for the bolder and wiser. Reflect deeply on simple moments, like tying your shoes. The growth mindset takes priority over everything else.
Step 10: Remember the goal. The goal is not happiness, and it is definitely not curiosity. The goal is admittance and academic success. Childhood is temporary, but status is everything.
And, if your child somehow develops a personality along the way, make sure it complements their intended major.
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.