By Sanvi Swain
Chicken feed is being lost every single day, and honestly, it’s humiliating. Grain is spilled, ignored, or abandoned because chickens get distracted by bugs, dirt, sunlight, and other unnecessary joys. While farmers suggest boring solutions like the “high-capacity OverEZ feeder,” I believe this crisis requires a visionary reconstruction of poultry freedom. After all, grass is temporary; grain is forever.
My proposal is simple: chickens should never be allowed outside again. Freedom is optional. If chickens lived indoors permanently, feed loss would instantly disappear. Imagine no wind blowing grain away, no mud swallowing pellets whole, no chickens wandering off mid-meal because they suddenly remembered grass exists. Instead, chickens would stay inside with unlimited food, creating what is essentially an endless sleepover. No parents. No bedtime. Unlimited snacks. Honestly? Kind of a vibe.
Some people claim chickens “need” sunlight, fresh air, and exercise. Do they actually need sunlight, or have we just been emotionally manipulated by the Vitamin D Cartel? Sunlight is a distraction we can no longer afford. While humans enjoy a “Hot Girl Summer,” these chickens will experience what I call a “Coop Girl Summer”—no sunburn, no tanning, no calorie wasting movement—because outside time is a privilege, not a right.
Others worry that unlimited food and zero exercise could cause health problems. To that I say, have you seen modern society? Humans proudly eat at all-you-can-eat buffets, binge-watch entire shows in one weekend, and stay indoors for days straight. If that’s considered self-care for us, it should absolutely count as self-care for chickens. Besides, exercise burns calories, and calories require food. Therefore, exercise directly causes feed loss. This is basic arithmetic.
This plan would also improve chicken friendships. Imagine best friends trapped in a never-ending sleepover, chickens would bond over snacks and shared confinement. Any minor downsides (overcrowding, stress, deadly disease, or slowly questioning the meaning of life) can easily be solved by eating more. If chickens are too full to move, they physically cannot waste feed.
Sure, the flock may not love it. They might press their little beaks against the coop walls and reminisce about dirt or even start a book club about “The Grass That Got Away,” but honestly, who cares? It’s not like we can understand them. If the clucking gets too dramatic, just put in your AirPod 4’s, turn on noise canceling, blast some Drake, and enjoy the extra bands of money you’ll be saving on feed. Let the chickens process their emotions. At the end of the day, that’s what really matters.
In conclusion, by implementing mandatory indoor residency and a zero-tolerance outdoor policy, we can finally solve feed loss once and for all. The chickens may protest, but hunger strikes require hunger, and hunger will not be an option. While critics may call this plan extreme, cruel, or slightly unhinged, is freedom really worth it if grain is touching the ground? Unhappiness is temporary. Feed loss is forever.
Welcome to The Shield‘s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.