By Madeline Tanaka and Kathryn Tanaka
This article, I (Kathryn) am joined by my sister, but this time, she’s a writer for The Shield! Once again, she will provide an analysis of which drink an NBA player is, and I will rate her opinion on a scale of 1 through 10. In part 2, we have expanded from NBA players to any and all basketball players!
Domantas Sabonis – Warm Tomato Juice (0/10)
I absolutely cannot stand Sabonis. Ever since that game when Draymond stepped over him, I’ve hated his guts. Probably because, in that game, he was being a big wuss and wouldn’t stop complaining. He’s tomato juice only because I hate tomatoes and I hate tomato juice even more because it’s so nasty and disgusting (nothing on you if you enjoy drinking it). Plus, I think it’s funny because Sabonis gets super red when he’s worked up.
Agreement: 7/10
Purely for laughs, I don’t really know anything about this guy except that every time he’s on the TV, Maddie leaves the room.
Devin Booker – A Shot of Tequila but it’s Being Drunk by Someone Underage (6.72/10)
I have absolutely no reason for saying this, he just gives off that kind of vibe. Maybe it’s because I can’t take him seriously and I also can’t take underage drinking seriously. Or maybe it’s because he’s sort of got this babyface thing going on.
Agreement: Huh?/10
I’m so confused right now…
Trayce Jackson-Davis – Fine Wine (32/10)
Oh. Em. Gee. This man is so fine. Literally, if you know me, you know I have a fat obsession with TJD. Fine wine obviously because I think he aged like fine wine (please don’t search up a photo of him—I know he’s not everybody’s cup of tea). But also, the fine wine could be an ironic metaphor to the fact that many people love drinking/tasting wine, but Trayce Jackson-Davis averages maybe ten minutes a game, insinuating that he’s not the player the coaches would go to when needed.
Agreement: -1000/10
Just search up an image of this dude. I’ve listened to Maddie glaze this guy so much I’ve become immune to it. Also, he does not get enough playing time to merit any of this.
Veronica Burton – Ice Cold Pomegranate Juice (10/10)
OK, so basically, pomegranates are SO GOOD. Like, so good. But, they’re one of those high-key underground fruits that not many people talk about even though they’re so delicious. This represents Veronica Burton because she’s super talented but, until this season, she wasn’t known at all. I’d also say she’s ice cold juice because ice cold drinks just hit different.
Agreement: 10/10
Burton is definitely a cold drink: her style of play is so crisp and refreshing. The Valkyries were super lucky to have had her on the team this year!
Cooper Flagg – Room Temperature Plastic Bottle of Water but it’s Crushed Up, Crinkled, and Half Empty From Being Bottled Flipped So Many Times (11/10)
This description might be DTM (doing too much) but I feel as though it’s accurate. Cooper Flagg is fresh out of his first year of college which is figurative for the plastic bottle being crinkled and bottle flipped because that’s something a kid would do. I fear I could also see him doing this with his teammates from Duke too, though. The room temperature part is because he’s only been doing average this season but everyone thought he’d be the key asset the Mavericks needed to have a good season (PSA: they’re not).
Agreement: 8/10
Life is certainly rough for number one draft picks (ahem, Paige Bueckers…), just like getting flipped so many times by children is rough for those poor water bottles. However, the season has just started, so maybe Flagg can evolve into “water bottle pulled straight from the cooler” status!
Karl-Anthony Towns – A Classic Margarita with One Big Cube of Ice in a Margarita Glass (8.38/10)
I could just imagine him ordering a margarita when the team goes out to eat. I’d also say it’s a classic margarita because they’re usually rimmed with salt which I think is a nice touch and adds kind of a salty flavor to the sweetness of the margarita, balancing it out. This would be like his versatility on the court with good finishing abilities and range outside of the key. The drink would also have one big cube of ice because I think they’re fun and that’s literally it.
Agreement: 7/10
Seems like both Maddie and I don’t know much about him…
Courtney Williams – Black Coffee but not in a “I’m so Different I Drink Black Coffee” Kind of Way (9/10)
I have no idea if my description makes sense but you know those people who drink black coffee and then they’re all like, “Oh, yeah, I’m so mysterious and special because I don’t like creamer or sugar in my coffee please give me all your attention.” and it just ruins your day? That’s what Courtney Williams is not. I kind of see her playing style as someone who is black coffee because she’s always putting in 110% effort and energy when she plays.
Agreement: 6.5/10
I do agree on the coffee part, but black coffee simply isn’t strong enough for all that is Courtney Williams. I see her more as a shot of espresso (or maybe four…) because of the insane amounts of energy she brings to basketball and life in general. A shot of espresso is clutch when you haven’t gotten enough sleep, just like how Williams is a great asset on your team! (just watch this clip!)