Never Rest Academy: Because Rest is for the Weak, Of Course!
By Chloe Pyo
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Welcome to the Never Rest Academy, the revolutionary system designed to push athletes beyond their limits, because who needs “knees” and “mental health” when you could be playing through the pain? We offer athletes the rare privilege of trading physical and mental well-being for the glory of hobbling through life with a pair of crutches! We believe that true dedication means playing short a few players against dangerously aggressive teams, no matter the risk. Rest and Recovery? We hardly know her! Gone are the days when Coaches require rest days.
Let me walk you through some of our academy’s programs! To begin with, our first specialty: the 25/8 Training Schedule. Why stop at 24 hours a day when you could train 25? This program ensures athletes are in the gym, field, or court doing an extra 400 reps while friends may be enjoying superficial facades like “sleep.” If you don’t feel the need to pop Advil before every game, are you even trying?
Second, we believe in a “mind-over-meniscus” philosophy. Torn ACL? Ha! That’s all in your head! Concussion? No, that’s just your brain getting stronger, silly. Broken bone? Get up and walk it off. If you’re able to crawl, you’re able to play. Our program develops not only physical strength but a steel mindset. An overachieving mindset that we enforce into all our athletes, guaranteeing at least a broken bone.
Continuing to my favorite feature of our whole program: The “No Days Off” Loyalty program! Every day you skip a rest day, you earn points that you can accumulate towards rewards like a free knee brace, stacks of built-up missing homework, a multi-pack of colorful resistance bands, and a discount on your future physical therapy bills! Through our rewards program, we hope to inspire all athletes to play through the pain, especially during pre-season when the games matter the least. The risk of injury is far more important than the chance to play your last season of high school soccer, travel to Seattle with your club team, or even think about playing at the collegiate level!
Lastly, I’ll walk you through one of our bonus features! Our Pain Denial Seminar touches on one of our most important lessons: Emotional Well-Being is fake. What even is mental health? All we know is mental toughness. This refined class hosts “cry later” workshops teaching you the importance of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted every single day.
So, if you’re an athlete in need of a program that provides all the resources to walk you through getting rid of distractions like basic human needs, the Never Rest Academy is the perfect place for you. Join Today!!!