By Elena McPherson
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Melting ice caps, wildfires, pollution— these tragedies will soon be forgotten as America takes a giant leap into the future and onto another planet. Though our time on Earth was exhilarating and lucrative, the woes of climate change are quickly multiplying and becoming harder and harder to reverse. If we listened to climate scientists, they would most certainly agree that our planet is too far gone to save. So why not make the most of our time on Earth before we blast off to less sunny days? Instead of carpooling to work, take a private jet! And don’t bother planting another feeble tree in your front yard— rather, you can cut them all down for a better view of the expeditiously rising ocean. Though the Earth may be our first home, it doesn’t have to be our last. Like any healthy relationship, we must let go when we see better prospects elsewhere.
Despite scientists’ best efforts to lie, we can selectively believe one truth: the universe is infinite. Why waste valuable time and resources trying to save this planet when we could simply move to the next? Instead of funding ridiculous green initiatives and joining futile climate agreements, America is looking toward the future by taking a clue from our past. Space is the next frontier, and there are countless new planets for us to conquer. Led by our trusted billionaires, we can ensure that every black hole in the universe is garnished with stars and stripes, serving as a reminder that our country doesn’t need a planet like Earth to call home if we set claim to the entire galaxy. Finally, our tax dollars can pay for something that will benefit all of us: mansions on Mars. Of course, it will be an expensive challenge to colonize the universe, which is why our government has graciously and astutely taken funds from other endeavors such as the trivial education of our youth and meaningless disease research projects, while simultaneously raising taxes across the country to afford the budget requested by the billionaires heading our grand space initiative.
So, as America looks to the galaxy, we must pack up our fossil fuels, industrial processes, and biggest nuclear weapons, waving goodbye to our beloved country with the knowledge that any attempts to save it would be trivial. Ready to repeat our mistakes on a new planet, the thrilling game of interplanetary escapism has already begun.