By Alex Wu
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
It’s a chilly Friday night at the Bell Centre, Canada’s largest hockey arena and home to the Montreal Canadiens. The scents of maple syrup, moose, Tim Hortons coffee, and Canadian pride linger in the air. When the Canadian National Anthem plays, the whole crowd sings along. However, when “The Star-Spangled Banner” follows, the Canadian fans loudly boo, fueled by a strained political relationship with America.
While conducting presidential responsibilities at the 8th hole of his luxury golf resort, U.S. businessman and $Trump Coin founder Donald Trump took to Twitter to express his very serious and important interest in annexing our friendly neighbors to the north, making Canada the 51st state—an idea met with outrage from Canadians. Naturally, this idea is ridiculous because Canada is so big it would be two states.
Spanning almost 4,000,000 square miles, Canada would best be split in half at the 60th parallel. The northern state would be named North Canada; the southern state, East Alaska. Additionally, having only 51 states would feel wonky and look weird on our flag. 52 stars would feel more complete and even.
While I can see how this plan can be perceived as an attack on Canada’s sovereignty and freedom, I think their outrage is simply misguided. Here are some reasons why joining the United States as the 51st and 52nd states is a good thing.
I. In the first place, Canadians would no longer have to boo “The Star-Spangled Banner” at hockey games because it will be their national anthem as well. Coming from an unbiased American, “The Star-Spangled Banner” is a much better upgrade from “O Canada”.
II. Furthermore, joining would be pretty simple. Both Canadians and Americans speak English, so we’re basically the same, which would make assimilation easy. Additionally, the United States has the most powerful military and economy in the world, which would make Canadian resistance futile. All it would take is a Tweet from President Trump declaring it ours, and voilà—Canada would be ours.
III. With the 2026 Winter Olympics fast approaching, Canada joining the United States would effectively eliminate a major opponent in hockey for us. Canadian NHL legends like Sidney Crosby, Connor McDavid, and Matt Rempe would now be celebrated as American heroes. A hockey roster stacked with Canadian NHL stars like those guys and American NHL stars would guarantee gold!
IV. Finally, Canada’s smaller economy has struggled under the oppressive tariffs that America has imposed. By joining the United States, Canada would no longer have to worry about the very tariffs we placed on them, as they would become part of us. This revolutionary solution to a problem that we created will come at the modest cost of Canada’s sovereignty.
I eagerly look forward to the new states of North Canada and East Alaska. When Canadians consider this proposal to join the United States, they need only remember that President Trump will truly keep our land glorious and free.