Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
While driving on the roads of our once great nation, I am dismayed to see instance after instance of the largest issue plaguing our society: large cars. Mammoth-like SUVs take over one and a half lanes as a young mom takes her child two miles away to soccer practice. A pickup truck lifted four feet off the ground drives to the grocery store for a carton of eggs. The cars pose a huge safety threat to people like my grandma, who drives a small Toyota Prius. Not to mention, they bring increased wear on our shared roads and a general lack of space in parking lots.
It is common knowledge, however, that any reasonable American must own a car large enough to tow a neighbor’s house or withstand an asteroid impact. Or even, at the very least, block the view of a few sedans at a traffic light. Vehicular dominance should not be questioned when it comes to our society’s well-being. It is downright un-American to not drive an enormous car.
I have come up with the only feasible solution to the issue: we must make all cars huge. By huge, I don’t just mean today’s Suburbans and F-150s. No, America needs to accept its true patriotic ideals. The smallest of cars will be the size of a current Ford F-450. Firetruck-sized pickups will be common traffic. For the most domineering and confident individuals, a car the size of a modern mansion will suffice. Patriotic, dominant, and confident—these are the words that will describe how every American will feel.
Gone are the days of Honda Civics zooming around on the highways. We will finally be at peace, majestically gliding down the new mile-wide roads in our fortresses of transportation. In today’s car crashes, the driver in the large truck almost always fairs well. Imagine how much safer driving will be now!
Furthermore, parking problems will be a thing of the past. No longer will drivers search for hours looking for a place to stop their car. Instead, they will simply crush any obstacles under their mighty wheels and declare victory!
The naysayers, likely unpatriotic snowflakes, will undoubtedly complain about the “environmental impact” of my proposed solution. It may be true that these confidence-inspiring vehicles will consume more fuel than today’s four-wheeled cubicles. However, is this not a small price to pay for vehicular supremacy? If fuel becomes scarce, we’ll just drill for more. What’s stopping us from ridding of the middleman in the fuel industry, and simply drilling for oil in our backyards? The possibilities are truly endless.
The time for hesitation has passed. Let us embrace our destiny as a society full of automotive greatness. Leave the hatchbacks and sedans behind and come into the glory of undisputed kings of pavement. I believe I speak for all of America when I say that I look forward to the day when every citizen commands a vehicle so big that mere road signs tremble in their presence. Let us look forward to the future, eye-level with traffic lights, and drive into a world of greatness.