Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Equality, inclusion, blah blah blah blah blah. As a society, we need to keep the art of racism alive. After all, change is overrated and we should stick to systemic oppression: a historic tradition. In order for everybody to continue to uphold the legacy of discrimination, here is a foolproof guide to normalizing racism in everyday life.
Step One: Use “joke” as your cloak.
The easiest way to disguise racism is through humor. If an emotionally brittle, hypersensitive individual falls victim to your attempt (let’s name your victim Chad) at keeping the fire of racism alive, simply respond with, “Relax, it is just a joke!” With this handy phrase, you can offend as many people as you want without needing to take accountability. In fact, tell Chad that he is “too sensitive” because his inability to take a joke is quite embarrassing.
Step Two: Start the teachings young.
It is time to start instilling racist ideals in young children. By learning to stereotype early, they will assume racial biases are merely just “facts.” Overload the children’s minds with horrendously stereotypical videos in the media, make casual comments at the dinner table, and encourage them to participate in the trend of degrading individuals with slurs and racist comments. Blur the line between facts and stereotypes!
Step Three: Remember that racism is over.
Ignorance is bliss! By denying racism’s existence, you can definitely keep racism thriving. Insist that because laws were passed and segregation ended, racism is technically over. If your victim brings up real-world issues like racial profiling, remind them that “we literally had a Black president” or “I don’t see color.” Acknowledging that racism is a problem would force us to deal with it, so let’s not!
By following these three easy steps, you can help preserve racism for generations to come. Why should we strive for success when we can stick to outdated ideals? The best part about this tactic is that people will subconsciously participate in it. They will be laughing at the jokes, learning the stereotypes, and denying any fact of injustice. No need for overt hatred, just passive acquiescence.