Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
Dear Donald Trump,
As the President of the United States, I knew you were the perfect person to address my deep concern, given your dedication to putting Americans first. Like Andrew Jackson, you rule like a king—how divine! Truly, you are the quintessential man for the job. My concern is simple yet crucial: the Blondes. They are far too moronic for our country. They should feel repugnance for walking out in public with their golden locks glistening in the sun’s rays. Ugh! I always regard Blondes with absolute floccinaucinihilipilification.
The solution to our problem is clear: you must banish Blondes from all books. The only thing worse than seeing a Blonde reading would be witnessing a witty bald man with glasses teaching an advanced high school English class (but that’s a problem for another day). Blondes should only be allowed to take academic courses not involving literature. You must hastily compel the Department of Education to enforce these austere measures, ensuring that all federally funded schools impartially judge students based solely on their hair color.
This plan is foolproof. Who could disagree with judging others based on appearance and assuming their capabilities? Surmises, presuppositions, and guesswork are marvelous. Deeming those capable and incapable of tasks before any knowledge of their existence beforehand has driven the prosperous future of American society for centuries. Anyone who objects must be a Blonde themself, or perhaps considering dyeing their hair Blonde. In fact, I implore you to take further precautions against those who artificially lighten their hair; these undercover Blondes could infiltrate our society like boisterous buzzing blossoms of cicadas, rising when least expected to maliciously spread unintelligence. Immediate hair inspections should be conducted at every school entrance each morning to ensure students attend their properly assigned classes.
Oh, let’s not forget the consequences of allowing Blondes in literature. Take The Great Gatsby, for example. Daisy Buchanan—sweet, fluttery, and incapable of rational thought—has misled readers for nearly a century. Her presence alone proves that Blondes has no place in literature. Imagine how much better the novel would have been if she were brunette. Perhaps she would have illuminated the proper path for Gatsby to reach her heart, not just the green in his wallet. If we banned Blondes from engaging in books and appearing in them, society’s problems would be solved.
But why stop at schools? If we truly want to protect America’s intellectual integrity, we must ban Blondes from libraries, bookstores, and anywhere that sells crossword puzzles. Imagine the horror of a bovine Blonde attempting War and Peace—they could break a pristine nail just by turning the pages!
Mr. Trump, I trust you will act swiftly. After all, what kind of America do we want? One where books are freely read by the intellectually deficient? One where we don’t make assumptions based on appearance? I violently shudder at the thought.
Sincerely,
A True Patriot