By Jonas Hart
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.
For millennia, people have debated the best seasoning for food. Ancient civilizations fought over salt, viewing it as “white gold”. Explorers have crossed oceans just to get their hands on exotic spices, and foodies today go nuts over everything from truffle oil to pink Himalayan salt. But after many long centuries of heated discussion, the ultimate seasoning has finally been revealed.
It’s not garlic, it’s not basil, nor is it paprika. No, the best seasoning—and the one you’ve been unknowingly consuming all along—is microplastics. Yes, those tiny, indestructible flecks of polymer are more than just an environmental nuisance; they are the modern gourmet’s secret ingredient.
Found in seafood, fruits, vegetables, and even in the air you breathe, microplastics are the most abundant and widely available seasoning in human history. Why waste money on costly and overly extravagant spices when every bite you take is already infused with a dusting of finely aged polyethylene?
The best part? Microplastics are completely effortless. Unlike traditional seasonings that require measuring, grinding, or sprinkling, microplastics season your food automatically. That glass of water you just drank? Seasoned. That farm-fresh salad you bought? Enhanced. Even that organic, non-GMO, ethically sourced quinoa bowl you just downed? Yep, coated in an invisible layer of plastic goodness. Whether you want them or not, microplastics are always there, working their magic.
And let’s not ignore their many health benefits. Forget vitamins—who needs those? Microplastics are with you for life. They embed themselves in your organs, ensuring that no meal will go unseasoned, even after they’ve been digested. Some studies may suggest that microplastics disrupt hormones, and others even link them to an increased risk of cancer, but who needs a properly functioning body when you can have a stomach lining with the structural integrity of a Tupperware lid?
Even top chefs have started to embrace the trend. Many upscale restaurants now offer “ocean-aged microplastics” in their seafood platters, while farm-to-table bistros boast about the “naturally infused plastics” in their dishes. But let’s not forget that fast food chains have been ahead of the curve for years, serving up plastic-wrapped, plastic-filled meals with drinks that have a microplastic kick to them. The Michelin Guide should consider a new ranking system—giving stars for food and extra stars for polymer content.
And the sustainability factor? Second to none. While other seasonings may run out, microplastics are forever. They cycle endlessly through land, sea, and sky, ensuring that no generation will ever go without them. Future archaeologists won’t have to guess what we ate—instead, they’ll just analyze our perfectly preserved, plastic-laced remains.
So, the next time you reach for the salt shaker, don’t bother. The seasoning of the century is already here, invisibly coating your plate, swirling in your soup, and dissolving in your drink.
Bon appétit.