By Gavin Bowyer
Starburst, the headliner of the Walkathon at Marshall Lane Elementary School. Undoubtedly, the sprinting (usually a measly walk) of lap after lap around the upper field became worth it whenever the Starburst came flying. As the parent volunteer approached from the sidelines carrying a massive tub of Starburst, the famished kids (who had eaten 30 minutes before) swarmed in droves, attempting to get as many of the colorful, captivating candies as possible. The paramount takeaway from the endeavor was that only one Starburst stood victorious among the crowd, with one at the bottom, ultimately forming a great rift in the Starburst universe and a divide among the fanbase. Intending to squash the disagreement, I have taken it upon myself to rank Starburst, objectively and without bias, to create the cardinal and definitive answer to the question racking everybody’s brains since the dawn of time: Which Starburst is the best? Of course, this will be of the standard colors/flavors, dismissing all of the special versions into their own subordinate category. Let’s begin.
4.
NO. Get out of here right now. This Starburst. Is. The. WORST CANDY EVER. When I open up one of the double pouches to find two yellow Starbursts, a part of me perishes internally. The flavor, taste, tang, savor, etc. of this candy is horrible enough to make anybody gag. HAWWKKK. PHLTOOF. I spit on you. NO SOUP FOR YOU. As Wyatt Spears would say, “Ewwwwwwwww. It taste wike somwone cwapped in a bag and fed it to mwe.”
0/10
3.
Mid. If this is your favorite I’m truly sorry. Honestly, the most mid candy I have ever tasted. It only deserves 3 because it is hard to be worse than the yellow flavor. The difference is, if I get an orange and a pink I won’t want to throw myself out of a moving car. As Wyatt would say, “ Dis one weawwy mid, not gonna wie. I don’t wike dis one vewy much.”
4/10
2.
Now we’re getting somewhere. The red Starbursts are decent. In fact, they would be top 2 (oh wait). The problem is that they can never be the GOAT. Just like how Michael Jordan can never be better than LeBron “LeKing” “The G” “Him” “Adopt Me” “The Goat” “Sigma” James, red can never be better than pink. Ultimately, Red acts more as a filler between the deep pits that occur between the intense peaks of the pinks. Red sort of reminds me of the backdrop to an amazing art piece. As Wyatt would say, “ Dis one okway. It kinda wike da pink ones but it no have da gooder fwavow.”
6/10
1.
ADOPT ME. There’s a reason that they made an “All Pink” edition for this masterpiece. This candy reminds me of the Magic Castle Hotel. The decadent flavor and intricate texture remind me of the excellent and magical service of the Popsicle Hotline, an undisputed champion in the field of childhood entertainment. When I have the honor of receiving a double pink package, that moment when the stars align, I become flooded with such joy that I nearly gain cosmic power and float away to the inner depths of the universe. The power of two pink Starbursts, the double strawberry magic, has the potential to initiate nuclear fusion, then collapse into itself creating a black hole and a neutron star all in one. As Wyatt would say, “METROOOO. Fwehhh. Seeyuh. Carti, thank you fo droppin this mastepiece man. Dis one da weawwy goodest. I wuv da pink ones, YIPPEE.”
Playboi Carti / 10
