Dear the most honorable board,
I am writing to you today to commend you on the newest policies regarding clubs. Through not allowing clubs to make food for fundraisers without using district compliant kitchens, you are making fundraisers safer. The threat of salmonella outbreaks due to the baking club selling cookies at basketball games has been extinguished. The slight issue regarding the fact that Westmont currently does not have access to such a kitchen is moot. Now, despite some clubs having members that cook such food working in restaurants, as well as being food safety certified, I truly believe that this policy has been made to better the standard of living in the district. Even going as far as ignoring booster organizations in this policy is truly earth shattering. Now, instead of all clubs being able to have homemade food based fundraisers, only large clubs with booster organizations will be able to, which helps large clubs be able to spend more, which in turn will benefit the local community.
As a solution to help these small clubs, if the honorable board would allow such a suggestion, would be to require the addition of clorox to all foods made in non-district approved kitchens. As many know, Clorox kills 99.9% of germs. By adding it to all food items made by clubs, it will ensure that the risk of foodborne illness is decreased by 99.9%. After all, anything that can kill germs is good, right? Instead of allowing food safety training and certification in lieu of district compliant kitchens, which all most schools have on campus, almost everyone has access to clorox. Just a quick run to Safeway will allow everyone, regardless of location, socio-economic status, or race, to create a germ free, delicious treat, that will allow clubs both large and small to raise money through selling food items. Imagine how much money the district can save on kitchen supplies!
Now, the nay-sayers may suggest that putting Clorox in food is “unhealthy”. However, no one can beat science. Anything that kills 99.9% of germs, scientifically, can not be bad for you. Putting Clorox in home-made foods, such as Bleach Basted Burgers, or Clorox Creme Donuts, paired with the new district policy of forbidding donations to nonprofits, will give all clubs the opportunity to exponentially increase profits.
I hope my suggestions, as a humble and lowly student, will attract the district’s willingness to consider student input when making their newest policies benefiting clubs and the student body.
Sincerely,
Diego Mantelli
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.