By Ethan Li
The following is a script written in 2050 by an unnamed writer. Initially hired to write the script to 20th Century Disneyversalmount Bros. Pictures 24’s new movie “Frozen 14,” the script was tossed out only due to its disregard for the source material. The writer was said to have “begrudgingly” wrote the script, only accepting due to the ludicrous amount of money offered and 20th Century Disneyversalmount Bros. Pictures 24’s influence over the film industry. However, things did not turn out well for said writer, as after 20th Century
Disneyversalmount Bros. Pictures 24’s disapproval of the script, they were blacklisted and eventually hunted down by the studios so-called “Mouse Force.”
(The scene starts with OLAF, GARFIELD, and BATMAN sitting at a table. The entire building reeks of excess, with plush pillows, curtains, and an ornate chandelier. It has no consistent theme nor vision, only built to use as much money as possible. The building smells of conflicting perfumes, all fighting for attention in a cacophony of odor. ANNA enters.)
ANNA: Hi Olaf! (addressing the others at the table) Orange cat, strange man with a mask whom I’ve never met before and doesn’t exist in my universe. How’s it going?
OLAF: We’re making a movie!
ANNA: May I ask why?
OLAF (quickly): Oh, you see, in our first adventures, we traveled to see Elsa in her ice castle, and then you got frozen and she hugged you and everything was fine even with that weird guy Hans courting you, and Kristoff and you got in love. Then in the second one, we traveled to an enchanted forest because Elsa was having some trouble with her power and hearing voices in her head. And then—
BATMAN (interrupts): Shut up Olaf. We don’t need exposition of your entire life, we just started.
ANNA (tentatively): So why are we making a mov—
OLAF (interrupts): We need to settle on a script today! The film industry is in trouble, guys. No one is even going to see our movies in theaters anymore! We have to make a movie immediately to address this.
(ASSISTANT enters, carrying a tray of coffees of comical size)
ASSISTANT: So sorry for being late. Batman, here is your black coffee. Garfield, large strawberry lemonade with light ice and whipped cream. And Olaf, your (takes breath) extra-large strawberry mocha with no ice with three pumps of caramel, warmed up, oat milk instead of whole, three and a half pumps of chocolate sauce, crushed ice, soy milk, extra whipped cream, no strawberry flavoring, small, a dash of tap water, straight from the fridge, served in a ceramic mug with one hundred sprinkles on top.
(OLAF gives a quick glance at his coffee, then looks up)
OLAF: You, did I ask for whipped cream?
ASSISTANT: …Yes?
OLAF: No. No I did not. And there are 98 sprinkles on this drink. I counted. (picks up drink and violently throws it out of the room) Go clean that up.
(ASSISTANT exits)
OLAF: As I was saying before that rude interruption, we have to write a script. Here is what I propose. (stands) We have to make a hit. A mega-blockbuster. And the only way to do so today is a movie using all the characters we own IP of in our own universe. No, our own multiverse. NO, our own infiniti-multimediverse. Pull characters from everywhere. In fact, search up popular characters from small indie films, we’ll use them too. We have enough power. Make sure all these characters are in the script no matter what. I don’t care about plot, I care about cameos and nostalgia. Make sure you reference every single characters backstory; if someone comes in with no prior knowledge they should want to DIE. (pauses) Oh and it has to be 5 hours long with no conceivable break to go to the bathroom.
(A long pause. And then the following lines in quick succession and somewhat quiet)
GARFIELD: Where’s my coffee?
BATMAN: Olaf threw…uh (ASSISTANT does not have a name)…uh…him out.
GARFIELD: Oh, right.
(A long pause)
GARFIELD: Well! however we make it—and I love all your ideas by the way—but however we write it, can we spend less time on it? Please? I have to get back to eating, and drinking, and playing video games, and sharing memes on twitter, eating, replying to hate tweets, hanging out with friends, eating some more, spending my exuberant paycheck, sleeping, and—did I mention eating? So please, can we just spend less time on it? I know it’s my job and all but like. (whiny) Why should I have to expend any effort on this?
BATMAN: And this all sounds quite costly, Olaf. Remember our motto: profits over pleasure.
OLAF: Oh, no worry at all. Remember that assistant who came in here and ruined my entire mood, day, and life with his evil, malicious, cruel mishandling of my simple request? He’s also our editor, costume designer, cinematographer, set designer, stunt coordinator, personal chef, therapist, marketing director, PR trainer, casting director, and, of course, visual effects designer! And—here’s a little secret—you don’t have to pay them! None of them! Just don’t!
BATMAN: Wonderful!
ANNA: Who will star in this production?
OLAF: Well, you all know my daughter. She must play the lead. We can ask the assistant to get ahold of her.
(ASSISTANT quietly re-enters)
BATMAN: Lovely! Well, my entire extended family must have all have roles. Give the male lead to my cousin; I’m not sure if he knows how to read and he has terrible social anxiety, but I’m sure he will be charming. I’m sure the assistant can make all the arrangements needed.
GARFIELD: Amazing! Well, my mother simply must have a part. Even though she was recently exiled from the United States and is currently backpacking through the Asias, I’m sure the assistant can track her down. Oh! and also, she requires a bright light in the studio at all times, perfectly filtered air to support her preferred breathing quality, and if she doesn’t have a glass of 2002 Pepsi Blue at 37 degrees Fahrenheit at all times, she will refuse to talk. I’m sure the assistant will make all the necessary arrang—
ASSISTANT (interrupting exuberantly): STOP MAKING ME DO EVERYTHING AND LISTEN TO WHAT YOU’RE SAYING FOR ONE SECOND! You talk about the film industry dying, but your solution is to make a bloated, cash grab of a movie! Why not just make a movie that people will actually want to see? Put your heads together and at least try, try for one second to come up with a unique plot of your own. Audiences will go see movies that they are interested in. And are made well. With a plot that makes sense and stands alone. Stands alone! And stop disregarding your assistants, your workers, the people who build movies for you. We exist and we deserve money. And respect. And credit. Stop focusing on your profits and just make art! I mean, have you seen this room? With these, velvet curtains and, and, silk pillows! and your high tech fancy laptops. Putting new art into the world is reason enough to create something. It is! And I’m sick of hearing your whining, complaining, whimpering, nonsense when people, people, they just want to see a movie. They just want to see a movie. And you’re dreaming up some ridiculous plot that makes no sense and makes their audience do homework! Homework! To enjoy a movie! And it seems like you don’t even do your homework either, with insane characterizations that aren’t consistent at all with previous incarnations. So just, just, make a movie that people will enjoy. And stop focusing on your insane IP, or your profits, or your own desire to be lazy, and just create. Just create!
(ASSISTANT, exasperated, puts his head down on the table. OLAF moves toward him, as if to comfort him, and lifts ASSISTANT’s head)
OLAF: Please, uh, my assistant, calm yours-
ASSISTANT (loudly): MY NAME ISN’T ASSISTANT. (pauses, then says quietly) It’s Brad.
OLAF: Well, Brad, I’ve had it. If a lowlife, uneducated slob like you wants to tell me, of all people, how to make a movie, then I should just quit. I’ll just quit! Have fun making a movie by yourself, Brad.
(OLAF, sneering, exits the building. BATMAN follows, along with ANNA. GARFIELD remains, along with BRAD, his head back on the table.)
GARFIELD (comforting BRAD): It’s okay. We’ll just tell OpenAI to write it for us. It’s okay.
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.