The wind gently rakes through your hair, the hustling bodies part way for your abundant presence, and the pesky birds eat the sandwich of each park goer but yours. Life is perfect. On top of the world, traipsing along the lovely streets of New York City with an entire day to yourself, you think life could not possibly increase in pleasure. For the first time in your life you are correct (life is about to get worse)! A rat scurries across your foot. Letting out an immature scream to match your immature state in life, you begin to question everything.
Most New Yorkers hate New York. They say they love it but they do not. If you love New York, you do not live in New York. The streets crawl with rats and a good chunk of unemployed freaks (such as yourself?)! Too consumed by their 6-10 jobs (if you want a 9-5 move to North Dakota), real New Yorkers do not notice the problem within their infested city. Rats rule the land. Eric Adams is just a ploy conducted by the rats. Slipping through their fingers, and spiraling out of their control is the unemployment issue in the Big Apple. The rats did not plan for you or anyone to cognitively register their brisk tromple over your foot.
Since measly attempts by unemployed “activists” and reddit users do not suffice, I humbly and professionally have taken it upon myself to solve these two pressing issues. After extensive research, my professional diagnosis concludes that the infestation of rats and the unemployed can simply be dusted under the rug using tactics of psychological brainwashing. I know, I am a genius!
If the rats force their lifestyle on the brainwashed citizens of New York, surely we can too. After treacherous studying, the reason why these furry rodents overthrew New York so easily was due to their intelligence. Akin to dogs, cats, and humans, rats thrive off of brain stimulation. The rats created Tik Tok and Instagram reels to turn human’s brains to mush, simulating them, and essentially brainwashing them. The intelligent fur balls cultivated a nine to five work schedule so the rats would rue the days whilst humans find themselves confined indoors. As unemployed individuals increased, the rats were then discovered. Professionally tracking rats for a good amount of time, I now know where they reside, and how best to attack.
The most rat-ional solution is to brainwash all unemployed US citizens to move to New York City and exterminate the rodents themselves. If the rats bug them, they should be the ones to fix it. I know, I am a genius!
The solution scurried into my hands when considering the residence of the local trash can connoisseurs is the sewers. Now employed folk will spend their work day exterminating the rats of New York City, and hopefully restoring it to its former “glory.” The rats do not run this city, we do. Enduring career-changing research, the best method of extermination is acid. A simple fire at a rodent and they are gone. I know, I am a genius!
Despite the fact acid or other harmful chemicals pose a safety threat to the newly employed bunch, in the end it weeds out the weeklings. Our country and Big Apple will better thrive out of under the control of the rats and with a better employed union. I know, I am a genius!
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.