By Chance LaVoie
In an era where the pursuit of knowledge has been replaced by the pursuit of likes, it is time we address the elephant in the classroom: standardized testing. Archaic and outdated, these tools of assessment, which have been proven by some study from Dartmouth to predict early college success, are clearly overrated. After all, who needs a good predictor of success when we can rely on the infallible judgment of admissions officers deciphering the cryptic messages hidden in students’ personal essays?
Standardized tests, oppressively emphasizing critical thinking and problem-solving, have become nothing more than relics of a bygone era. The scent of #2 pencils, the symphony of synchronized clock ticking, and the palpable tension in the air as students huddle over Scantrons— all vestiges of an ancient academic ritual as outdated as using a rotary phone. In our modern age, where a cacophony of notifications provides the soundtrack to our lives, memorizing facts and mastering complex concepts are practices as archaic as cursive writing.
Therefore, I modestly propose the liberation of our students from the tyranny of standardized testing. To measure a student’s potential for success, we should assess their ability to go viral with an image of avocado toast. Let us replace the sterile silence of test-taking rooms with the vibrant buzz of social media notifications. Isn’t the ability to go viral with such an image a more accurate measure of a student’s potential for success in today’s digital world?
Moreover, it is time to confront the unreasonable expectation imposed by standardized tests: students should perform flawlessly under immense pressure. The chilly rooms and hard plastic chairs, combined with the pristine bubble sheets that chill the fingertips, are supposed to be a crucible for future academic success? Laughable. We should evaluate students on their ability to craft the perfect hashtag or their prowess in creating viral content. Undoubtedly, the real world is all about handling the pressure of virtual applause and keyboard critics.
Furthermore, to compare students from complex backgrounds, let’s consider the adversity score of their social media profiles. A student who can maintain a high follower count despite posting controversial opinions or unfiltered selfies surely possesses the resilience and adaptability needed for college success. It’s clear that standardized tests, with their pretense of offering an even playing field, are nothing more than a farce—a masquerade ball where everyone is judged not by the authenticity of their costume but by the price tag hidden beneath the sequins.
In conclusion, let us roll out the red carpet for a new era of academic mediocrity by abolishing standardized testing; let us pave the way for a future where the only test that matters is the test of social media popularity. Because, in the end, isn’t that what real life is all about?
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.