Dear Campbell Union School District Board Members,
I tremble as I write this letter—my seventh grade daughter and I have lived in debilitating fear for the last month. Several weeks ago, my precious Mackenzie came home in tears after her “best friend,” Phoebe, announced a frightening piece of personal news: she is a lesbian. Following Phoebe’s coming out, your middle school has been nothing but supportive of the appalling conduct, which Phoebe deceptively labels as her “identity.”
From a teacher-sponsored club, to equal treatment in gender-segregated facilities, your school pampers Phoebe and others of her kind, while children like mine fall prey to the carnivores that stalk the hallways. Never in my life have I experienced such worry while my child is at school. What if the gay children make a pass at Mackenzie? What if they bully her for simply existing as a straight person? I urge your educators to take charge in protecting the innocent children of your district.
Mackenzie has notified me of the recently-created “G.S.A.” at her school. Her descriptions of the bi-weekly meetings horrify me; the students discuss their flagrant desire for the same sex with each other and your faculty advisor! Undoubtedly, this “Gay-Straight Alliance” serves to trap the pure children in the hopes of turning them gay. How dare you create such a dangerous space for middle schoolers—an age bracket at the most vulnerable time in their life! I demand that you abolish the malicious group and replace it with one of my own design: the Get-Straight Alliance, for misguided children like Phoebe. Our motto will be simple, and easy to remember: Be Incredibly Great Obeying the Straights (BIGOTS).
As if your poor excuse for a club is not alarming enough, you also make no effort to protect the regular students in locker rooms and bathrooms. Don’t you understand that these gay children are perverts? Since I learned that Mackenzie has to change for P.E. in the same room as Phoebe, I have not slept. In addition to shutting down the G.S.A., you must segregate all facilities based on sexuality.
Your utter lack of rationality has given gay children the belief that they can act like everyone else! Just last Friday, the troubled girl had the audacity to invite Mackenzie to a sleepover. Clearly, the sleepover invitation plays a key part in her master plan to sexually assault my daughter. And how sickening that Phoebe’s parents encourage such behavior! Mackenzie, of course, rushed to inform me; since her toddlerhood, I have constantly warned her about the predators she might encounter in women’s bathrooms and locker rooms. Isn’t it obvious that Phoebe’s parents are teaching her to be gay? I seem to be the only parent who is taking action against homosexuality. When Mackenzie expressed confusion about her sexuality last year, I immediately enrolled her in intensive conversion therapy to set her straight. Clearly, my method succeeded, since she shares my disgust at Phoebe’s new lifestyle choice.
With your support, we can make middle school a safe space, righting the wrongs that Phoebe’s guardians and your district have senselessly endorsed. I hope you take time to consider my requests. After all, I am only a concerned, caring parent who wants the best for every child.
Regards,
A normal parent of a normal kid
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.