By Amane Mori
Proposal To Protect Our Future Doctors
Dear Ted Cruz,
Ever since the nation granted suffrage rights to women, the volume of high-pitched female voices demanding societal and legislative changes has been increasing each day. While claiming to advocate for gender equality, modern feminists covertly enforce the idea of matriarchy to reconstruct society to benefit females and only females. Today, women have officially lost their sanity and began protesting the legalization of abortion, a.k.a. medically approved infantile genocide. As women lack the ability to remain silent in the face of small inconveniences, I, a professor of Female Medical Studies, would like to propose the ultimate solution to the numerous issues surrounding females: government-mandated hysterectomies.
The underlying cause of this pro-choice fiasco is the irresponsible sex life of liberal females. Females continuously complain about lackluster abortion availability as they parade around with new men every night, all whilst failing to protect their bodies with proper contraception. Why do men have to wear protection and sacrifice their sexual satisfaction when only women bear children? Many females also argue that abortions protect females from non-consensual sex, but they never ask their fetus for consent before an abortion… My god, the double standards. Government-mandated hysterectomies eliminate the need to deal with unwanted pregnancies by these selfish, irresponsible females who refuse to do the bare minimum of protecting themselves during sex, whether that is with or without consent.
Thoughtless women also claim that abortion helps those who lack the financial resources to care for an unexpected child. Women constantly complain about the rising cost of menstrual products, but never consider the plight of men paying for two-story houses and electric cars. Hysterectomies end the female menstrual cycle, benefiting both females and men in different ways. For females, they no longer have to worry about the cost of caring for a child or purchasing menstrual products. For men, we will be liberated from the emotional burden of having to listen to females complain about their monthly cramps, and the need to forgive their random outbursts caused by “hormonal imbalance.”
Now you may be wondering how we sustain the human race after confiscating the female ability to bear children. Well, have you ever considered the inequality men face as the only population drafted during wartime as women stood cozy in their homes? To combat this generational inequality and population issue, we draft some women at the age of 18, the peak of their fertility, to retain their uterus. These drafted fertile females could produce a minimum of five offspring, and the human race could easily remain. Compared to the men who fought in the trenches and survived gun wounds, this should be an easy job.
Imagine how perfect our society would be with my idea; females no longer complaining about their bodily autonomy, men having more freedom in their lives, and our future doctors and soldiers surviving from violent abortions. I promise that a nationwide hysterectomy will bring tranquility and happiness to men, children, and our nation’s future.
Sincerely,
Andrew Teight
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.