By Akilesh Subramaniam
From poorly-postured neanderthals to excessively-real homo sapiens, the next stage of human evolution has begun—like nothing we have ever seen.
A recent study by Twit-ter, recently rebranded as L, identified the next step of human evolution: a group scientists have designated as homo internexian: translated, ‘an internet man.’ Marked by their iconic Pear Vision Pro headsets covering their eyes, and inability to hold conversation, the internexians often reside in their virtual habitat in the Megaverse. Colloquially deemed ‘Screen Sapien,’ the internexian communicates in short bursts of emoji-filled text: a cipher so powerful, current supercomputers fail to decode their meaning.
From the comfort of their virtual habitats, Pear Pro wrapped carefully around their heads, the internexians have surpassed the desire for real, tangible interaction. Gone are face-to-face conversations and meaningful human relationships; in their place, screen sapiens develop a world where the universal language transcends feelings, replaced with yellow emojis and virtual personas. Emotion-evoking art dissipates, replaced with the evidently superior ASCII text art that truly symbolizes evolution: who needs emotions and connections, when you can have online masks that hinder ever knowing someone else?
With a virtual existence that exceeds physical limitations, screen sapiens design a false persona for communication, shaping themselves into whatever they want: from animals to healthy humans. No longer held back by the reality of the physical world, they design relationships, construct communities, and modify identities within their self-conceived world of social media and messaging platforms. In this brave new Megaverse, elite internexians are decided no longer by physical strength or intellectual ability, but rather by their skillful talent to humorize memes and develop a cult-like following on TicToc. Rather than struggling with societal issues like identity and culture that continue to split the world, the Megaverse surrenders all unique personas—who needs to be real?As internexian numbers surge, scientists rejoice that homo sapiens may face extinction, replaced with the evidently superior race. Why cease evolution? However, witless sapiens often question the reality of substituting reality for the virtual landscape of the Megaverse. Yet, the transformation from sapien to internexian was doomed the day healthy playtime was substituted for addictive screentime; going outside, for staying at home to watch television. Lamenting the modern generation’s net addiction would be disingenuous, when we wrought this evolution, unable to provide children with the healthy attention they needed. Perhaps instead, our children may be sated with once more returning to the Megaverse, drowning themselves in a barrage of dopamine-inducing reels, their only companion in an ever-online, ever-fake world.
Welcome to The Shield’s annual satire section. Writers use satire to improve a problem in society. Sometimes readers misunderstand the satire as they do not recognize the hyperbole, irony, rhetorical questions, sarcasm, and understatements. A great satirist will also address counter-arguments (the non-satirical solution) with great mockery and sarcasm. Readers may mistake the satirical solution for the actual solution that the writer proposes. The ideas in these satire stories do not necessarily represent the opinions of The Shield or Westmont. If one is confused about satire, please contact a friendly neighborhood English teacher.